zombehvamp | Entries tagged with vent

this blog entry is written in a very cheesy and cringe way like all of my entries, but this time I know what I want to talk about and how I want to talk about it. If you cringe easily and you can't stand extremely emo writing then look away lol I don't wanna make you suffer

ok first we'll focus on the GOOD things.

so I actually cleaned up my room today, my friend kinda motivated me to stop being a loser with no life who gives up way too easily so my room is nice and clean now... I'm running on an hour and a half of sleep though so I feel like a zombie LOL oh, I didn't get any sleep and I felt like a zombie? truly zombehvamp coded of me.

I bought donuts for my whole family with the little money I had left. Now I have the equivalent of like 1/5 of a dollar but my family is happy and I am happy. It was rly hard to get out of bed today and a yummy treat deffo helped!

I'm happy today I got to talk to my friends and spend time with my family, I'm grateful for them even if not everything went smoothly. Some of them are struggling and some are straight up ignoring me but it's fine, I'll reply immediately when they finally reply to me anyways xD

I've been talking to a psychologist, we see each other every monday. We're focusing mostly on my social problems and dealing with stress but we just started so we're still going through the initial stuff.

I have the highest grades in my class without even using extra points, I'm kinda proud tbh xD I guess I'm a bit smart for some things.

Now I'm most likely gonna draw and keep working on the 200 fans drawing, in case you don't know about it you can find all the info here! below is a lil look at it.

enjoy this nyan cat because we're getting to the vent dump part!

lately I've been thinking about the pros and cons about socializing. Do you guys also get extremely stressed out over social situations? It could be something small like a friend of mine having a bad day and I'd feel terrible the entire day if I'm unable to help them. Or maybe it could be a small conflict, discussion or disagreement we had and I immediately start thinking they'll hate me and leave me.
Before whenever that happened I use to put my defenses up and cut them off or put a distance between us, I always wanted to be the one in control and leave before I feel hurt. In my brain it was always a matter of time til it happened, I was terrified of being abandoned and being alone yet I was pushing everyone away and I was lonelier than ever. Or well, That's what I thought.

I got enough friends now, I can't complain. I'm happy with what I have! Yet I feel so lonely anyways, I can't get rid of this constant spiraling I get over every small interaction. I'm so convinced people hate me and want me dead, that they just talk to me out of pity.

"poor ruru, they're so lonely and so needy! always asking for attention! I might entertain them for a while, I might get some free art while at it anyways and they'll say yes to everything I say!"

I used to cut people off, I used to be a cold hearted person that wouldn't let anyone get to close and I only befriended people if I got something out of it. Now I beg like an old dog asking for attention and to be loved like when they first got me.

don't get tired of me! don't leave me! I know I'm bad at this but I can't be alone again! I can't go back to that, not again!

I can't love myself if I'm not loved by others

isn't that the main issue? I'm aware but why don't I do anything about it? why is it so hard to love oneself? am I allowed to like myself? I've made so many errors in my life, I've fucked up so many times, do I deserve love and forgiveness after all that?

it's getting better, life is going good besides the obvious constant bad things I've talked about before yet why do I still feel bad? my anxiety levels are getting close to the levels I had back in 2020, my hands are always shaky and I'm always looking at the floor. I feel pathetic man.

pills don't even work anymore anyways!! it fucking sucks!!

so uhhh I think the best way to keep going is to just suck it up I guess? like I have to come to terms that socializing is not pleasant to me most of the time because of my own self hatred, it's not the fault of others. And I clearly can't fix the self esteem issues atp so I gotta get over it. There's no point in having self pity, I just have to keep going and get shit done!!

I'm not giving up yet, even if I'm miserable I want to function in society, I want to be someone!!
I WILL GET BETTER!!

you just gotta learn to live with the anxiety.

I have to go now, cya

Current Mood: anxious
Current Location: bed, cold
Current Music: paranoid android - radiohead

sorry I didn't update the daily things, I ended up becoming to self conscious of putting it online and I actually went out and bought a journal. When I write in paper I write much less so I express myself in a way that's fast and short. I feel much better talking about things that make me uncomfortable there than here.

I don't have anyone to vent to, so I've come here to vent to you about this constant feeling of anxiety I've developed again. About a year ago this chronic anxiety feeling I've always had got much better, I wasn't feeling it nearly as much and I always thought it was the medication, but now I know is that I was actually doing better. Being alive didn't feel uncomfortable or wrong anymore, I could go out and talk to strangers, I could make friends easily and I could cut them off just as well later on. I was happy! and I didn't even realize it! I was self harm free for months, I stopped depending on pills and I was able to stop taking some medication (it was to expensive to keep taking it anyways).

The feeling is back. I feel uncomfortable just existing, I feel out of place even when no one is around, I don't feel comfortable alone or with people, I get frustrated over the smallest of things and I hit or scratch myself, I've even broken things I know I don't have the monetary income to replace and I've punched walls until injuring my fingers.
Worst part? people can tell. I'm constantly asked what I'm thinking about or why I look "so exhausted"... I'm not exhausted, I'm fine. I'm not stressed, I've got an easy life. I'm not depressed, I don't want to die. Then why do I feel so bad all the time? why can't I never be truly happy at all? I should know the answer to this, It's like I don't even know myself. Sometimes I think I've figured myself out but then a week later I feel like a completely different person yet myself at the same time.

I don't want to be ungrateful for all I have, I love how easy my life is and how I have a nice family and pets and good food. I'm not allowed to feel this way, so many people have it so much harder than me.

What is wrong with me? why don't I feel better? I know I have good things, yet I can't enjoy them. I've found so many cool things that make me happy but it's like there's an emptiness inside of me that I can't fill with material things or friends or family.
I used to feel broken as a teenager, now as an adult I thought I wasn't for a second but now even after the tratments and getting my life together... I can't lie to myself anymore, I feel just as empty as before.

I've never liked anything about me, I know this is the root of my problems yet just the thought of myself trying to change that makes me feel disgusting. Why would I like myself? There's too many reasons not to.

The anxiety is making me gain weight because I over eat to try to stop it, yet it never works. It only makes me feel worse in the long run because I feel disgusting. I want to weigh 45 kg again, I miss being skinny more than anything in the world. Call me ignorant all you want, I really do think that if I was skinny I'd be much happier, even if I were still sad at least I would be pretty, and people like skinny sad guys.

I don't listen to music much anymore because I can't concentrare, it's painful to daydream now because I'm far too aware of how impossible those dreams are. I used to daydream about being comforted and loved, now the thought of it makes me feel nauseous. I know that real people would be repulsed by me, men don't even talk to me and the women who do treat me like I'm stupid.

I don't know what to do to make it stop, I've taken a pill but it's not helping, I took two more different pills and they aren't helping either. I miss being able to take those pills that would make me not feel anything and sleep all day so bad. I dream about taking them, I remember liking the taste! they tasted like strawberries haha and they dissolved in your mouth. I just want it to make this feeling go away, please. ah...If only I had money to buy more, if only I could be the one in charge of them. They're not expensive but I don't have access to be able to buy them. I just really don't want to think anymore, I need to make the noise stop.

Everything I do it tells me I do it wrong, or that I look ugly or that I've gained weight, sometimes it tells me that I smell bad or that my hair is full of dandruff, sometimes it tells me that everyone is starting at my scars or that they know I did it again, sometimes it tells me the people in the street think I look stupid and that they think I'm a disgusting degenerate. sometimes it tells me I'll die alone and that no one will come to my funeral, sometimes it tells me to do horrible things and it scares me. make these thoughts stop, please...
I'm so tired, so tired, so tired, so tired, so tired, so tired, so tired, so tired, so tired, so tried, sot ired, sotired, sorierd.

I always tell myself, intrusive thoughts are normal but online when people share their intrusive thoughts they're not mine, I feel so disgusting. I'm so corrupted, people like me should be allowed to exist at all.

My brain is just always giving me reasons why people would hate me before even meeting them, and I believe it. So I end up choosing not to talk to anyone else. they hate me anyways, so it doesn't matter.

I don't even think my family truly liked me, they just tolerate me, I'm jut existing, I'm not close to any of them, I don't hug or kiss them like other people do, that's obvious signs that they don't want me around. yet I still follow like a dog starved for love but too scared to accept it, so if you get to close I might bite out of fear of you hurting me with rejection.

this feeling won't go away, I'm sure of it. So I'll just keep doing what I've been doing this entire time. I'll pretend I'm happy and I'm doing well. I'll write like this >_< :3 :D xD and I'll focus the convesation on my friends, because I love my friends more than anybody. If one of my friends leave me I'll wait for them forever, Please God don't let our friendship fall apart.

God, please give me a signs that you haven't abandoned me, I need someone and I want to trust in you, I just don't feel you there anymore and it scared me more. I want you to hold me and hug me like a parent to it's baby, I'll hold you to Father.

I relapsed into pill use today, I've relapse with sh two times, it's going wrong but I got it under control form now on.
Time to put on a cute outfit, a smile and a bunch of emoticons. We have to be the happy friend, I don't want to be edgy anymore!

God, please love me even during the days I like to dress like a boy, I feel so happy when I do but I'm still your child, please love me!
I'm scared
I'm scared
I'm scared
this repeats in my head all day long
I'm just so scared of everything, I don't know how to cope with it

I got a rly big project this tuesday, which me luck. It's taken a huge toll in my mental health since I'm not good with group projects. I dont' care if I get a bad grade, my classmates count on me for us to have a good grade so I need them to get a good score at least. Please heavely father protect us.

Thank you Holy Father but being there with me, even if you don't love me and you've abandoned me, I will always look for your love. I'm sorry I can't follow you like you want me to, I love my lgbtq+ friends more than anyone, I am not cisgender myself, but I want your love and I pray for you God. I love you.

I have no choice anymore, I have to suck it up and keep going if I want to achieve something in life. I'm ready, I'm ready, I can ignore it a little bit longer. The semester is almost over, I have 3 exams this week but I'll push tthrough, I got this. It'll be ok. I just need to hid it well if I can.

ah the pills are affecting me now, everything is spinning, I feel so loopy, I feel so good. This is what true happiness is, when you can't think you're happy. Ah I've missed this.

Bunny divider by nicodefresas

Current Mood: uncomfortable
Current Location: bed, cold
Current Music: sarah (instrumental) - Tyler The Creator

I feel like lately God has been sending me a lot of signals that I should let my old self die and become someone new! I keep falling down self destructive habits and I'm ruining my own life by being a bad person. I want to become better for my mom and my friends. I don't think I'll ever truly be able to do this for myself since I truly don't think I can like anything about me, but I can try and be better for others.

I've noticed a lot of narcissistic traits in me, which is why I always call myself one. If I am one, I want to change that. I do have a family member who is a text book narcissist and I'm terrified that I'm becoming like her, I want to be kind and good and loving, not what I currently am.
Therefore, I'll be admitting to some of this toxic traits I have and reflect on how to change them and If I've been succeeding at it.

starting with: toxic hatred.

I'm someone who hates people with a passion, once I already hate someone it's almost impossible to change my mind and I will go out of my way to let others know I hate someone and give them a bad reputation. This is my worst trait and the one I want to change the most because I always regret doing it, I'm not the most empathetic person in the world but I still feel bad when I shit talk someone. This leads to me completely cutting them out of my life to never knowledge them again, I never even mention their name or think about them anymore. I'm the queen of detachment, I will ghost people or properly cut them off with no issue. What doesn't help is that I change from loving and adoring someone to hating them in seconds, it can take one small mistake for me to change my entire opinion on someone. I want to change this, I want to learn to forget and forgive, to love people regardless of our disagreements. I want to let go of all this hate in my heart.

this black and white thinking I think is one of the main reasons I used to be diagnosed with a personality disorder, and I don't blame my old psychiatrist. Sometimes I think I have one too!.

I wanted to start with this one because not only does it cause a lot of conflict and Issues in my life, but also I don't know how to fix it all that well.
I think one of the best thing I can do is take a step back before acting on my feelings, breathing for a sec, and let it go but it's SO hard to do that when your feelings are controlling you. I need to manage my impulses, practice self control or else I'll lose everyone!
I find this easy to do through text, to sit back and think before acting I mean. I can't do that in real life because I get emotional, angry or sad as soon as something happens, regardless of how big it is.

"I love my friends and my family, I love even the people I hate and I forgive anyone who ever hurt me. I am free of anger and hurt, I only have love in my heart for everyone and everything"

"I'm grateful for everything I have, Thank you God for giving me another day with my family and friends. Let me love everyone again today and free me of all these negative thoughts and feelings. I love you God and thank you for loving me too, I'll follow your path and become the person you want me to be."

I want to repeat things like this to myself everyday, practicing gratitude and kindness doesn't come naturally to all of us. I'll try my best to change, to love and be better. To be there for others, to be a good thing in the world, because right now I'm none of those things.
God, I am putting my heart in your hands, I know you'll take care of it well and show me the right path. I'm willing to change this time for real. I receive you with open arms.

I may not be empathetic or kind right now, but I'm hopeful I can change that. Among all the mental illness in my brain, I feel like there's chance for beauty to be created somewhere in there. I just have to work really hard to find it and make it come to life.
Please God, don't give up on me yet. I am willing to change.

I'll try to find a way to go to therapy, I have no money for it but I'll try my hardest to find the best way to afford it. I was against it all my life but now I recognize I really need it.

Today I relapsed again, I'm not upset about it. I know I can move on from this. I'm sorry for doing it again, I want to do better. Whenever I do it, I'm just trying to make people have pity for me, it's manipulative so I shouldn't do it. I don't want to be evil, I want to be good so badly.

Bunny divider by kodaswrld in tumblr

Current Mood: numb
Current Location: bed, cold
Current Music: hold on til may - pierce the veil

major trigger warning for literally everything, I'm just writing things down to let out the voices in my head for a second.

Everyday I ask myself why I can't socialize with people. It seems like people don't like me naturally, and I don't like them equally. I can't connect with people no matter how hard I try. I always make things awkward when we talk...
I can't stop the noise in my head tonight, it has convinced me that my friends hate me and want me dead again. I've ran out of my emergency medication, I've been doing so well I was able to change from clonazepam to clotiazepam but I'm craving anything to numb out the noise so bad right now... I just want to stop thinking, I'm always thinking thinking thinking...

You think once you're 21 these thoughts will go away, but no, I feel like they've gotten louder and stronger as time passes. They're taking control of every aspect of my life, I can't do anything without my brain betraying me, it's the worst.
Lately I can't eat again without feeling horrible afterwards, I feel so disgusting in myself, I want to change everything about me physically and mentally.

I want to die again but also now I'm terribly scared of what comes after death, it drives me insane, I think about it all day.
God do you hate me for hating myself? do you hate me for wanting to die? I'm scared you don't love me, I'm scared this is worth nothing.

I'm so close to relapsing again, but I'm 4 months clean and I don't want to lose it... I'm so insecure of my scars, I don't want anymore of them but also I do, I feel like I deserve to suffer. yes, ever since I was little I've felt like I'm not allowed to be happy, why should I?
I can't think of a single positive thing about me anyways, no wonder my friends hate me so much.... they never want to talk to me, I ruin everything, I should just.

It gets better just for a little while, that's the curse of being bipolar. You're happy for a few weeks and you feel like you've recovered and things will never be so low again but the second you lose your guard you're down in the mud again, crawling for anything that will fill the void inside you be it attention, pills, restriction or self destructive behaviour.
which one will it be this time??

I must admit I'm scared. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells everyday, one wrong step and I'll lose everything. Every time I say or do something wrong I can't react normally, it feels like it's the end of the world. I'm always on edge like that, I'm so convinced things are gonna go wrong all the time... that's why I'm stressed out like that all the time, and I shouldn't be!! I have an extremely easy and privileged life but my brain doesn't want to leave me alone EVER...
I'm the worst, I should just.

I want to be normal... I'll get a normal haircut and normal clothes, I've tried this before thinking it would make me fit in with people but I either didn't do it right or it just doesn't work... I just can't connect with people it seems.

Maybe if I get some sleep I'll feel better, maybe I'm just having these thoughts this badly because I've barely gotten sleep lately because of the hypomania.
I'll try my best to sleep but it'll be hard, I'm having the kind of intrusive thought where you can see the clear images of them in your head and it leaves you distraught, my mind is betraying me again.
I'm just thankful I'm not having hallucinations this time, I haven't had any in months and I thank God for that.

I don't know why I'm posting this, after all this is my diary and I'm an open book. I love being completely raw and real with people, you see everything about me, you know everything about me, you're allowed to. I kinda hate how I'll probably never know anything about you :/ oh well it is what it is.
I feel a little better after writing this, thank you.

Bunny divider by kodaswrld in tumblr