zombehvamp

sorry I didn't update the daily things, I ended up becoming to self conscious of putting it online and I actually went out and bought a journal. When I write in paper I write much less so I express myself in a way that's fast and short. I feel much better talking about things that make me uncomfortable there than here.

I don't have anyone to vent to, so I've come here to vent to you about this constant feeling of anxiety I've developed again. About a year ago this chronic anxiety feeling I've always had got much better, I wasn't feeling it nearly as much and I always thought it was the medication, but now I know is that I was actually doing better. Being alive didn't feel uncomfortable or wrong anymore, I could go out and talk to strangers, I could make friends easily and I could cut them off just as well later on. I was happy! and I didn't even realize it! I was self harm free for months, I stopped depending on pills and I was able to stop taking some medication (it was to expensive to keep taking it anyways).

The feeling is back. I feel uncomfortable just existing, I feel out of place even when no one is around, I don't feel comfortable alone or with people, I get frustrated over the smallest of things and I hit or scratch myself, I've even broken things I know I don't have the monetary income to replace and I've punched walls until injuring my fingers.
Worst part? people can tell. I'm constantly asked what I'm thinking about or why I look "so exhausted"... I'm not exhausted, I'm fine. I'm not stressed, I've got an easy life. I'm not depressed, I don't want to die. Then why do I feel so bad all the time? why can't I never be truly happy at all? I should know the answer to this, It's like I don't even know myself. Sometimes I think I've figured myself out but then a week later I feel like a completely different person yet myself at the same time.

I don't want to be ungrateful for all I have, I love how easy my life is and how I have a nice family and pets and good food. I'm not allowed to feel this way, so many people have it so much harder than me.

What is wrong with me? why don't I feel better? I know I have good things, yet I can't enjoy them. I've found so many cool things that make me happy but it's like there's an emptiness inside of me that I can't fill with material things or friends or family.
I used to feel broken as a teenager, now as an adult I thought I wasn't for a second but now even after the tratments and getting my life together... I can't lie to myself anymore, I feel just as empty as before.

I've never liked anything about me, I know this is the root of my problems yet just the thought of myself trying to change that makes me feel disgusting. Why would I like myself? There's too many reasons not to.

The anxiety is making me gain weight because I over eat to try to stop it, yet it never works. It only makes me feel worse in the long run because I feel disgusting. I want to weigh 45 kg again, I miss being skinny more than anything in the world. Call me ignorant all you want, I really do think that if I was skinny I'd be much happier, even if I were still sad at least I would be pretty, and people like skinny sad guys.

I don't listen to music much anymore because I can't concentrare, it's painful to daydream now because I'm far too aware of how impossible those dreams are. I used to daydream about being comforted and loved, now the thought of it makes me feel nauseous. I know that real people would be repulsed by me, men don't even talk to me and the women who do treat me like I'm stupid.

I don't know what to do to make it stop, I've taken a pill but it's not helping, I took two more different pills and they aren't helping either. I miss being able to take those pills that would make me not feel anything and sleep all day so bad. I dream about taking them, I remember liking the taste! they tasted like strawberries haha and they dissolved in your mouth. I just want it to make this feeling go away, please. ah...If only I had money to buy more, if only I could be the one in charge of them. They're not expensive but I don't have access to be able to buy them. I just really don't want to think anymore, I need to make the noise stop.

Everything I do it tells me I do it wrong, or that I look ugly or that I've gained weight, sometimes it tells me that I smell bad or that my hair is full of dandruff, sometimes it tells me that everyone is starting at my scars or that they know I did it again, sometimes it tells me the people in the street think I look stupid and that they think I'm a disgusting degenerate. sometimes it tells me I'll die alone and that no one will come to my funeral, sometimes it tells me to do horrible things and it scares me. make these thoughts stop, please...
I'm so tired, so tired, so tired, so tired, so tired, so tired, so tired, so tired, so tired, so tried, sot ired, sotired, sorierd.

I always tell myself, intrusive thoughts are normal but online when people share their intrusive thoughts they're not mine, I feel so disgusting. I'm so corrupted, people like me should be allowed to exist at all.

My brain is just always giving me reasons why people would hate me before even meeting them, and I believe it. So I end up choosing not to talk to anyone else. they hate me anyways, so it doesn't matter.

I don't even think my family truly liked me, they just tolerate me, I'm jut existing, I'm not close to any of them, I don't hug or kiss them like other people do, that's obvious signs that they don't want me around. yet I still follow like a dog starved for love but too scared to accept it, so if you get to close I might bite out of fear of you hurting me with rejection.

this feeling won't go away, I'm sure of it. So I'll just keep doing what I've been doing this entire time. I'll pretend I'm happy and I'm doing well. I'll write like this >_< :3 :D xD and I'll focus the convesation on my friends, because I love my friends more than anybody. If one of my friends leave me I'll wait for them forever, Please God don't let our friendship fall apart.

God, please give me a signs that you haven't abandoned me, I need someone and I want to trust in you, I just don't feel you there anymore and it scared me more. I want you to hold me and hug me like a parent to it's baby, I'll hold you to Father.

I relapsed into pill use today, I've relapse with sh two times, it's going wrong but I got it under control form now on.
Time to put on a cute outfit, a smile and a bunch of emoticons. We have to be the happy friend, I don't want to be edgy anymore!

God, please love me even during the days I like to dress like a boy, I feel so happy when I do but I'm still your child, please love me!
I'm scared
I'm scared
I'm scared
this repeats in my head all day long
I'm just so scared of everything, I don't know how to cope with it

I got a rly big project this tuesday, which me luck. It's taken a huge toll in my mental health since I'm not good with group projects. I dont' care if I get a bad grade, my classmates count on me for us to have a good grade so I need them to get a good score at least. Please heavely father protect us.

Thank you Holy Father but being there with me, even if you don't love me and you've abandoned me, I will always look for your love. I'm sorry I can't follow you like you want me to, I love my lgbtq+ friends more than anyone, I am not cisgender myself, but I want your love and I pray for you God. I love you.

I have no choice anymore, I have to suck it up and keep going if I want to achieve something in life. I'm ready, I'm ready, I can ignore it a little bit longer. The semester is almost over, I have 3 exams this week but I'll push tthrough, I got this. It'll be ok. I just need to hid it well if I can.

ah the pills are affecting me now, everything is spinning, I feel so loopy, I feel so good. This is what true happiness is, when you can't think you're happy. Ah I've missed this.




Bunny divider by nicodefresas