zombehvamp | Entries tagged with life

it finally happened, I gave myself straight bangs again! ummm my family likes how it looks like, I don't know how to feel yet. I think it was a good step towards my new "rebirth", I am evolving from ruru to... uhh I'm still choosing a new name! I'm stuck between millie (for millipede) and bonny (for bunny).
I drew something today! for my personal account. Not really for this one, umm it fits more with my current aesthetics and personality. It's my new ponysona with her centipede tail! I drew it in my phone with ibis paint X.

my tumblr account has been doing pretty well, the one I'm using now is still the smallest of all my accounts but it feels nice. I'm someone who obsessed over numbers and notifications so I think it does my brain well to not be focused on it. It focuses mostly in my creepy cute aesthetics, blogging and my insanity which I'm no longer putting here... My insane thoughts are now only heard by God!!! AND tumblr!! my GOATS!!.
I also downloaded threads today, it's very boring I don't think I'll use it much.

Today I ate carrot cake with avocado toast and goat cheese for breakfast, for lunch I had spaghetti with a special sauce I don't know the name of and for dessert I had a cinnamon roll. I ate lunch at 7pm... and breakfast at 12... I know I should fix my sleep schedule.

I was off my medication for several days, I lost track of how many but today I finally got them back and I'll start taking them tonight. I wonder if that'll help with the fact I've been sleeping all day lately! I haven't even been replying to my friends these past few days...

Lately I've been coming back to my recluse behaviour and it has made me wonder if it's in my nature to want to be alone, but if it was would I be craving love as much as I do? I day dream of being loved and held someday, to be someone's favorite person, for them to think about me all day! but I'm just a loser girl who rots in her bedroom all day ._.; is love even an option for a girl like me? I wonder, I wonder, I wonder...
On the topic of that I've been dreaming of having a family so much lately!! I know a girl like me is not fit to be a mother but I'd love to have a lil baby to take care of and make happy. And a husband too!!! am I cooked chat? is this the beginning of me becoming delusional??!?!?!? I never cared about this stuff before but I feel like with each month it grows stronger!!

I haven't gotten much done lately. When I tell you I've been rotting in bed I mean it! most productive thing I've been doing was cleaning my room the other and keeping up with my skincare... I am useless!! but not for long!! classes start again soon and I'm looking forward to it! I didn't achieve my goals of losing weight and becoming prettier but I guess it's fine. I don't got anyone to impress anyways so I'm not that worried.

Ah yes, beauty! my current obsession. I've been using social media more and I see all these girls in the same spot at me that are so loved because they're so pretty!! I wonder if I become skinny and pretty like them, maybe I can be loved too? I've tried it before and it did work!! maybe I should do it again.

I'll get back to drawing..... soon. I don't really want to go back to drawing but I promised I wouldn't quit so I won't. as for now, please enjoy my shitposts for I have nothing else to offer! I'll go back to watching my little pony and listening to music instead of studying lololol

song of the day: Lovefool - Post Modern Jukebox ft. Haley Reinhart

Current Location: bed, cold
Current Music: Lovefool - Vintage Jazz Cardigans Cover ft. Haley Reinhart

this blog entry is written in a very cheesy and cringe way like all of my entries, but this time I know what I want to talk about and how I want to talk about it. If you cringe easily and you can't stand extremely emo writing then look away lol I don't wanna make you suffer

ok first we'll focus on the GOOD things.

so I actually cleaned up my room today, my friend kinda motivated me to stop being a loser with no life who gives up way too easily so my room is nice and clean now... I'm running on an hour and a half of sleep though so I feel like a zombie LOL oh, I didn't get any sleep and I felt like a zombie? truly zombehvamp coded of me.

I bought donuts for my whole family with the little money I had left. Now I have the equivalent of like 1/5 of a dollar but my family is happy and I am happy. It was rly hard to get out of bed today and a yummy treat deffo helped!

I'm happy today I got to talk to my friends and spend time with my family, I'm grateful for them even if not everything went smoothly. Some of them are struggling and some are straight up ignoring me but it's fine, I'll reply immediately when they finally reply to me anyways xD

I've been talking to a psychologist, we see each other every monday. We're focusing mostly on my social problems and dealing with stress but we just started so we're still going through the initial stuff.

I have the highest grades in my class without even using extra points, I'm kinda proud tbh xD I guess I'm a bit smart for some things.

Now I'm most likely gonna draw and keep working on the 200 fans drawing, in case you don't know about it you can find all the info here! below is a lil look at it.

enjoy this nyan cat because we're getting to the vent dump part!

lately I've been thinking about the pros and cons about socializing. Do you guys also get extremely stressed out over social situations? It could be something small like a friend of mine having a bad day and I'd feel terrible the entire day if I'm unable to help them. Or maybe it could be a small conflict, discussion or disagreement we had and I immediately start thinking they'll hate me and leave me.
Before whenever that happened I use to put my defenses up and cut them off or put a distance between us, I always wanted to be the one in control and leave before I feel hurt. In my brain it was always a matter of time til it happened, I was terrified of being abandoned and being alone yet I was pushing everyone away and I was lonelier than ever. Or well, That's what I thought.

I got enough friends now, I can't complain. I'm happy with what I have! Yet I feel so lonely anyways, I can't get rid of this constant spiraling I get over every small interaction. I'm so convinced people hate me and want me dead, that they just talk to me out of pity.

"poor ruru, they're so lonely and so needy! always asking for attention! I might entertain them for a while, I might get some free art while at it anyways and they'll say yes to everything I say!"

I used to cut people off, I used to be a cold hearted person that wouldn't let anyone get to close and I only befriended people if I got something out of it. Now I beg like an old dog asking for attention and to be loved like when they first got me.

don't get tired of me! don't leave me! I know I'm bad at this but I can't be alone again! I can't go back to that, not again!

I can't love myself if I'm not loved by others

isn't that the main issue? I'm aware but why don't I do anything about it? why is it so hard to love oneself? am I allowed to like myself? I've made so many errors in my life, I've fucked up so many times, do I deserve love and forgiveness after all that?

it's getting better, life is going good besides the obvious constant bad things I've talked about before yet why do I still feel bad? my anxiety levels are getting close to the levels I had back in 2020, my hands are always shaky and I'm always looking at the floor. I feel pathetic man.

pills don't even work anymore anyways!! it fucking sucks!!

so uhhh I think the best way to keep going is to just suck it up I guess? like I have to come to terms that socializing is not pleasant to me most of the time because of my own self hatred, it's not the fault of others. And I clearly can't fix the self esteem issues atp so I gotta get over it. There's no point in having self pity, I just have to keep going and get shit done!!

I'm not giving up yet, even if I'm miserable I want to function in society, I want to be someone!!
I WILL GET BETTER!!

you just gotta learn to live with the anxiety.

I have to go now, cya

Current Mood: anxious
Current Location: bed, cold
Current Music: paranoid android - radiohead

( You're about to view content that the journal owner has advised should be viewed with discretion. )

Current Mood: drained
Current Location: bed
Current Music: buried a lie - senses fail

Hello, it's been a bit since we last talked. If you're seeing this as my second blog in spacehey and you haven't seen the first one that's because I posted that one in another account, but came back to my old account because I liked how this profile looked more.

I've been pretty busy drawing, I got sick and stayed in bed for a few days, around 5 and since I opened art trades I did a whole lot of drawing! It was fun and my alien collab got frontpaged in newgrounds, you can see it here but I'll show you the picture anyways. The left alien is made by a nice fellow known as Yaisobog ! He is very talented so please check out his stuff.

I also finished my first art trade of the year with the user BallsyMerc who this OC belongs to. Had a lot of fun drawing this but I wish I would've drawn it in my other art style instead of my simple flash cs6 art style. You'll get to see which art style I mean once I finish the other art trade I'm workin' on! for now, I drew Izabi, you can see her reference sheet here. she is super cute! and the link for this illustration is in here! I appreciate any support in my newgrounds!

so when it comes to life, how have I been doing? I've actually been feeling depressed and sick but thankfully I've had too many distractions to wallow in my misery, instead, I have been hanging out with friends and going to the hospital.

I hanged out with my friends yesterday, we finally finished dungeon meshi and the ending was nos satisfying at all... I'm gonna wait 'til the next season and I'm not gonna spoil myself with the manga, but I thought it was a really good anime! It's been years since I've enjoyed an anime this much, I feel like it was made for me!!! and I'm so in love with laios AAAAA!!!! I love him.
After dungeon meshi, we watched RWBY, it was good! we're like in the first 5 episodes I think and even though they're pretty short I'm enjoying it, it feels dumb with how many clichés are in everything but I'm eating it up! I like the design of ruby too, she seems like the manic pixie girl of your dreams, the silly scene girl, THE girl. I like her though!.

Today I had to go and continue my adventures in the hospital, today was the day I had to get SO MUCH BLOOD DRAWN!! I get tests very often because of my medication but this time the nurse literally had to change from the tiny syringe to a HUGE ONE! it took a rly long time to find a vein and the nurse gave me a little motivational talk when he saw my scars which I appreciate, he was very sweet. oh and I also had to pee in a cup.

After that I took a fat ass nap and now that I've woken up, I'm writing this as I keep watching videos about the early internet and emo culture. Right now I'm watchis this video about the 2000s attitude! very interesting but I'll have to rewatch because it's hard to type and put attention XD. oh yeah, and also when I got home I realized I'm still sick, I never ever get sick so this has me confused!

update on the new puppy: she won't stop biting everything and pissing inside, she also has learned to play with my dog so now they play ALL DAY LONG. they run everywhere and scare the cats, I don't know how they have the energy when it's so hot in here!!
oh and I might put my cat on a diet, she has stopped moving around since the new dog arrived and she has been gaining weight really fast... I'm starting to get worried about her health.

now I gotta get back to drawing, but I feel really weak for some reason so I might just chill for a bit.
thank you for reading, I didn't have much to share today but I still like keeping track of my days.

Bunny divider by kodaswrld in tumblr

Current Mood: busy
Current Location: bed
Current Music: (new breath+new heartbeat)=change by this armistice

Hello, for new years I've decided to start blogging. I don't know how active this site is, but I've always loved blogging and reading blogs. I'm mostly inspired by old live journal entries, the reason I started this one is because I saw that the eddsworld live journal was recovered and thought, "oh that looks like so much fun!" so here I am trying it. I hope someone reads this out there, I really need friends. let's support each others blogs!.

For this new years I had a lot of fun, I spent it with my mom, her boyfriend and my sister. I drank a lot of cola de mono which is a local drink made of milk, cinnamon, other spices, whisky and moonshine, I only got a little tipsy and didn't get a hangover the next day. We ate ceviche, a peruvian dish and listened to loud music. For the countdown we had a bunch of traditions ready, we did a money bowl, we lit 5 candles of different colors, we burn palo santo, lavender and dried orange, we ate 12 grapes and we threw lentils so we could have a good year. after, we danced for a while.

I was really happy that my best friend had a message ready for me wishing me a happy new year ready for as soon as the clock hit 12, it warmed my heart and I'm so happy to have him. He is one of my only friends and he means the world to me, sometimes I wish I had the words to explain how much I adore his existence, he makes me look forward to another day in hopes he'll send me a message or we'll get to hang out. Recently, since I struggle so much with communicating with words out loud, I started writing him letters. My handwriting sucks and so does my grammar, but I put so much love into those letters I hope he can look past that, I want him to know how grateful I am for his friendship, I still can't believe someone like him is friends with such a stupid loser like me.

I got some goals for this upcoming year, they're small and easy to achieve for most but I struggle with this:

Make at least 1 new friends, hopefully get a friend group
Start working out or lose weight (hopefully reach 50kg)
finish school with good grades
find a way to make money

The day after new years was really calm, I couldn't sleep so I stayed up all night calling with my Canadian friend and then drew for a while, below is a wip of what I'm working on:

(check my newgrounds for more art!)
Later, I was able to get 2 hours of sleep. I was extremely anxious all day today for some reason so I couldn't stay quiet so I took a shower really early, brushed my teeth and went back to drawing. I made a lot of progress in the drawing I just showed, that's an old screenshot. I didn't have appetite all day today so I skipped breakfast and ate a small lunch and dinner. My cat has been nervous since we got a new dog for christmas so I got her catnip and she loved it, she was so cute!

I got a lot of plans for 2025, I just can't tell you about them yet! but look forward to them, arighty?
thank you for reading my first entry, I hope you have a lovely year.
(dividers by nicodefresas on tumblr)