i dont even know

you know, I've been doing very well lately! I've lost 2kg, My room is clean, I cleaned a family members house, we've been doing the firewood stuff... but you know? that happiness always seems to last for a while only so u gotta enjoy it to THE MAX!!!. I'm still motivated, I'm still happy, I'm grateful for everything God has given me and life couldn't be better, no need to worry on the bad parts!!! but do you ever wonder why that void in your stomach doesn't go away no matter what? I took a pill after a rly long time so I could make it stop for a sec, but it ended up knocking me out and I slept a shit ton. Must've been because It has been a bit since I have taken that medication. It's ok because I got home after lunch time and I chatted with friends I haven't been able to catch up with in a while. They're just so lovely, I don't know why I got such good friends.

I haven't had a (real life) conversation with anyone outside of my family in uhh... since classes ended... And tomorrow they start again, I'm trying to distract myself so I don't get so nervous. I'm scared of every bad outcome that could happen and I'm trying so hard not to let it make me spiral!!! I've been all over the place honestly haha;;, life is good but I feel like I'm living in my own world, my thoughts are just too loud and fast all the time!!. And everyone keeps asking me what's going on? what's happening? and I don't know, I don't know what's going on!! and they keep asking and I get annoyed because  they keep asking!! so lately I've been locked in my room more.

In my room I walk around in circles sometimes just listening to music and stuff... nothing much. Having so much time again is nervewrecking... After school is over I'm probably gonna get a job for the summertime (if I find one, job crisis is rly bad rn) and after that I got a few options of what I wanna study! and after that I'll work. and that's all there is to life ig.

I don't know, I'm so out of it lately. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore and I don't know what to do. I wish someone would just grab me and mold me into something others would like!! and I want to eat lettuce!!

Oh yeah I keep having this whole thing where my veins in one of my arms feel like they're on fire and as it happens the entire world slows down, I move in slow motion and idk how to explain it but it's craaazy!! It's happened around 3 times this week and I think I might go see a doctor for it soon because it trippy :P

umm that's all the updates I have, I'll go to sleep now. I'm probs gonna record a new video tomorrow. ok cya.