zombehvamp | every mess I make on purpose

you know, life has been rough but I'm starting to accept that this is just how it's going to be from now on. Remember when I talked about that chronic feeling of anxiety? it hasn't gone away at all and pills are no longer able to numb it out.
I guess I kind of gave up. If more bad things happen I don't think I could care anymore. If I lose a friend I'm often heartbroken, but lately I just feel numb about everything.

I went to see my chilhood best friend recently, he was introducing his girlfriend to me but I didn't know how to act, it was hard to force a smile because I kind of don't rly feel anything at the moment. I'm just constantly spacing out and it's hard to keep a train of thought.

I've never felt this way to this extent, but it almost feels peaceful. It feels like acceptance, this is my life now and that's fine. I'll push through, I gotta keep living. I may feel bad all the time, but I'm finishing my education. I may struggle with all social interactions, but at least I got social media. I may lose all my friends, my brain is telling me again they all hate me and want me to die, but I kinda don't care anymore.

I often freak out whenever I feel like this, but right now I just want to sleep. I've been sleeping all day and all night lately. As soon as I go home I just sleep. Because I'm not moving I'm gaining weight, I eat and I eat because it temporarily distracts me from the anxiety but it destroys my self esteem. It's kinda dumb, whenever I draw bigger women I think they're beautiful, but when I look at myself I want to grab scissors and cut the fat off my body.

I've never been comfortable in my body, in my brain so I guess I'm finally getting used to the feeling of not being comfortable with being perceived, existing, breathing...

I don't want to have a manic episode either, my school took me aside and talked to me about me acting weird last monday because of my manic symptoms. it sucks, this sucks!!

is it original sin that caused me to have such an annoying brain and personality? is it punishment for me to never feel calm?

I could go so in depth about how my brain acts stupid but I feel like you guys are tired of it, maybe I should stop updating this blog lol it's stupid, I'm stupid.

I just wish things were different.
I say I don't care but can I really handle losing someone else?
the thought of being hated scares me.
I want to be loved by anyone, not even in a romantic way, I just want to feel like someone cares.
Do my friends care? some of them never care to listen to what I have to say, usually the only thing they ask me is a "what's up? how are you?".
It's ok though, I don't mind. I still love them with all my heart. I want to believe they care and they aren't just talking to me coz they're lonely.
I'm scared again, I'm always scared. I say I don't care, but I care too much. I just can't really express it properly so I act like I don't care.

All I feel is either emptiness or anxiety, so what now? should I just live like this?
I think so.
I think it's fine.

every mess I make, I make on purpose
So I can lie in it when it's over

this fucking song man, it's not helping

Bunny divider by nicodefresas

every mess I make on purpose

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