No sleep, 6am thoughts

[zombehvamp]

 

major trigger warning for literally everything, I'm just writing things down to let out the voices in my head for a second. 

Everyday I ask myself why I can't socialize with people. It seems like people don't like me naturally, and I don't like them equally. I can't connect with people no matter how hard I try. I always make things awkward when we talk...
I can't stop the noise in my head tonight, it has convinced me that my friends hate me and want me dead again. I've ran out of my emergency medication, I've been doing so well I was able to change from clonazepam to clotiazepam but I'm craving anything to numb out the noise so bad right now... I just want to stop thinking, I'm always thinking thinking thinking...

You think once you're 21 these thoughts will go away, but no, I feel like they've gotten louder and stronger as time passes. They're taking control of every aspect of my life, I can't do anything without my brain betraying me, it's the worst.
Lately I can't eat again without feeling horrible afterwards, I feel so disgusting in myself, I want to change everything about me physically and mentally.

I want to die again but also now I'm terribly scared of what comes after death, it drives me insane, I think about it all day.
God do you hate me for hating myself? do you hate me for wanting to die? I'm scared you don't love me, I'm scared this is worth nothing.


I'm so close to relapsing again, but I'm 4 months clean and I don't want to lose it... I'm so insecure of my scars, I don't want anymore of them but also I do, I feel like I deserve to suffer. yes, ever since I was little I've felt like I'm not allowed to be happy, why should I?
I can't think of a single positive thing about me anyways, no wonder my friends hate me so much.... they never want to talk to me, I ruin everything, I should just.

It gets better just for a little while, that's the curse of being bipolar. You're happy for a few weeks and you feel like you've recovered and things will never be so low again but the second you lose your guard you're down in the mud again, crawling for anything that will fill the void inside you be it attention, pills, restriction or self destructive behaviour.
which one will it be this time??

I must admit I'm scared. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells everyday, one wrong step and I'll lose everything. Every time I say or do something wrong I can't react normally, it feels like it's the end of the world. I'm always on edge like that, I'm so convinced things are gonna go wrong all the time... that's why I'm stressed out like that all the time, and I shouldn't be!! I have an extremely easy and privileged life but my brain doesn't want to leave me alone EVER...
I'm the worst, I should just.

I want to be normal... I'll get a normal haircut and normal clothes, I've tried this before thinking it would make me fit in with people but I either didn't do it right or it just doesn't work... I just can't connect with people it seems.

Maybe if I get some sleep I'll feel better, maybe I'm just having these thoughts this badly because I've barely gotten sleep lately because of the hypomania.
I'll try my best to sleep but it'll be hard, I'm having the kind of intrusive thought where you can see the clear images of them in your head and it leaves you distraught, my mind is betraying me again.
I'm just thankful I'm not having hallucinations this time, I haven't had any in months and I thank God for that.

I don't know why I'm posting this, after all this is my diary and I'm an open book. I love being completely raw and real with people, you see everything about me, you know everything about me, you're allowed to. I kinda hate how I'll probably never know anything about you :/ oh well it is what it is.
I feel a little better after writing this, thank you.

Bunny divider by kodaswrld in tumblr