zombehvamp

mixed episodes

Mon, 18 Aug 2025 02:17:57 GMT

my beloved blog, it's been a long time since we've talked with each other. I must admit I have replaced you with a diary, but today I feel like talking to you.
First things first lemme tell ya, I'm back to drawing!! I'm so happy about this! see? I'm good, I can do something! it's not all bad!

now back to letting out my feelings, you're a virtual diary after all!
Ruru, why are you smashing your head against a wall? well, you see... I have been in a mixed episode for a couple of weeks now, maybe more! and you know what that means? I've been doing a lot of stupid stuff, I've been really mean to my friends, I've been doing stuff I shouldn't be doing, I barely sleep and I'm actively self sabotaging. I feel like I'm stuck in a mindset where I feel like I hate everything and everyone, but deep down my love for my friends is still there and it feels like I'm splitting in half. I hate to admit it, I hate to admit I grow attached to people but I've been so attached to my closest friends lately that I get so upset when I get the slightest feeling something is wrong. This has been causing so many issues, it's destroying my social life. It feels like if I was in love with all of them but I am a toxic obsessive boyfriend!!
oh and you know what else? I also have a feeling everyone is hiding stuff from me, I feel like there's something floating in the air, something wrong is going on and I don't understand, I can't change it!
I promised myself I wouldn't run away and run friendships out of fear of abandonment again, but I've been so close to doing it with so many people now... I hope they can forgive me for being so unstable, I'm responsible of myself and I should know better.

At least I am losing weight, that's keeping me sane. I may not have control over anything else but that's enough for me to feel some form of comfort when my skeleton feels like it wants to escape my body.

I tried going out on thursday and had a panic attack, I'll go out tomorrow and I hope it goes well.
My room is a mess, I can clean the rest of the house but my room? I feel like I'm not allowed to for some reason, I feel like I should be living like this... Tomorrow I'll clean it up too.

I can't wait til this episode is over, I was doing so well before this! It was a pretty long hypomanic episode but it wasn't so terrible like the ones before but I still had to deal with consequences of my actions after but it felt good. I want to feel good again :(
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song of the day: I hate everyone but you - Elita
Mood: restless, paranoid

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i dont even know

Mon, 07 Jul 2025 00:56:41 GMT

you know, I've been doing very well lately! I've lost 2kg, My room is clean, I cleaned a family members house, we've been doing the firewood stuff... but you know? that happiness always seems to last for a while only so u gotta enjoy it to THE MAX!!!. I'm still motivated, I'm still happy, I'm grateful for everything God has given me and life couldn't be better, no need to worry on the bad parts!!! but do you ever wonder why that void in your stomach doesn't go away no matter what? I took a pill after a rly long time so I could make it stop for a sec, but it ended up knocking me out and I slept a shit ton. Must've been because It has been a bit since I have taken that medication. It's ok because I got home after lunch time and I chatted with friends I haven't been able to catch up with in a while. They're just so lovely, I don't know why I got such good friends.

I haven't had a (real life) conversation with anyone outside of my family in uhh... since classes ended... And tomorrow they start again, I'm trying to distract myself so I don't get so nervous. I'm scared of every bad outcome that could happen and I'm trying so hard not to let it make me spiral!!! I've been all over the place honestly haha;;, life is good but I feel like I'm living in my own world, my thoughts are just too loud and fast all the time!!. And everyone keeps asking me what's going on? what's happening? and I don't know, I don't know what's going on!! and they keep asking and I get annoyed because they keep asking!! so lately I've been locked in my room more.

In my room I walk around in circles sometimes just listening to music and stuff... nothing much. Having so much time again is nervewrecking... After school is over I'm probably gonna get a job for the summertime (if I find one, job crisis is rly bad rn) and after that I got a few options of what I wanna study! and after that I'll work. and that's all there is to life ig.

I don't know, I'm so out of it lately. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore and I don't know what to do. I wish someone would just grab me and mold me into something others would like!! and I want to eat lettuce!!

Oh yeah I keep having this whole thing where my veins in one of my arms feel like they're on fire and as it happens the entire world slows down, I move in slow motion and idk how to explain it but it's craaazy!! It's happened around 3 times this week and I think I might go see a doctor for it soon because it trippy :P

umm that's all the updates I have, I'll go to sleep now. I'm probs gonna record a new video tomorrow. ok cya.

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♡ goodbye side fringe ♡

Tue, 01 Jul 2025 00:57:36 GMT

it finally happened, I gave myself straight bangs again! ummm my family likes how it looks like, I don't know how to feel yet. I think it was a good step towards my new "rebirth", I am evolving from ruru to... uhh I'm still choosing a new name! I'm stuck between millie (for millipede) and bonny (for bunny).
I drew something today! for my personal account. Not really for this one, umm it fits more with my current aesthetics and personality. It's my new ponysona with her centipede tail! I drew it in my phone with ibis paint X.

my tumblr account has been doing pretty well, the one I'm using now is still the smallest of all my accounts but it feels nice. I'm someone who obsessed over numbers and notifications so I think it does my brain well to not be focused on it. It focuses mostly in my creepy cute aesthetics, blogging and my insanity which I'm no longer putting here... My insane thoughts are now only heard by God!!! AND tumblr!! my GOATS!!.
I also downloaded threads today, it's very boring I don't think I'll use it much.

Today I ate carrot cake with avocado toast and goat cheese for breakfast, for lunch I had spaghetti with a special sauce I don't know the name of and for dessert I had a cinnamon roll. I ate lunch at 7pm... and breakfast at 12... I know I should fix my sleep schedule.

I was off my medication for several days, I lost track of how many but today I finally got them back and I'll start taking them tonight. I wonder if that'll help with the fact I've been sleeping all day lately! I haven't even been replying to my friends these past few days...

Lately I've been coming back to my recluse behaviour and it has made me wonder if it's in my nature to want to be alone, but if it was would I be craving love as much as I do? I day dream of being loved and held someday, to be someone's favorite person, for them to think about me all day! but I'm just a loser girl who rots in her bedroom all day ._.; is love even an option for a girl like me? I wonder, I wonder, I wonder...
On the topic of that I've been dreaming of having a family so much lately!! I know a girl like me is not fit to be a mother but I'd love to have a lil baby to take care of and make happy. And a husband too!!! am I cooked chat? is this the beginning of me becoming delusional??!?!?!? I never cared about this stuff before but I feel like with each month it grows stronger!!

I haven't gotten much done lately. When I tell you I've been rotting in bed I mean it! most productive thing I've been doing was cleaning my room the other and keeping up with my skincare... I am useless!! but not for long!! classes start again soon and I'm looking forward to it! I didn't achieve my goals of losing weight and becoming prettier but I guess it's fine. I don't got anyone to impress anyways so I'm not that worried.

Ah yes, beauty! my current obsession. I've been using social media more and I see all these girls in the same spot at me that are so loved because they're so pretty!! I wonder if I become skinny and pretty like them, maybe I can be loved too? I've tried it before and it did work!! maybe I should do it again.

I'll get back to drawing..... soon. I don't really want to go back to drawing but I promised I wouldn't quit so I won't. as for now, please enjoy my shitposts for I have nothing else to offer! I'll go back to watching my little pony and listening to music instead of studying lololol

song of the day: Lovefool - Post Modern Jukebox ft. Haley Reinhart

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♡ I don't hate you, I just need some time alone ♡

Mon, 23 Jun 2025 01:21:22 GMT

umm before getting started with the blog entry I want to say that the website is gonna get completely redesigned and reworked. It's no longer gonna have that old web theme. I also wanna say that the future of all my other socials is uncertain, I haven't been using them for a while now and I don't know if I want to keep drawing. btw this does include discord because I've been losing contact with most people there. Maybe I should post on my baby tiny twitter account about my everyday life, but I honestly never figured out fully how to use twitter.

I'm just gonna make a normal blog today, I've already let out all my confusing feelings into the pages of a book. Sometimes I feel like it's wrong to let out my ugly feelings in here, but It's part of me and you see all parts in here. I'm a sad girl at heart, I can't help it!!

I love my friends, I'm in love with them. There's only a few of them and I love them but... the past few days I haven't been talking to people really. Now that I'm back at home I'm also back to my hermit lifestyle. You're allowed to be mad at me for being away, I just wish you would say it instead of acting cold and distant and then not replying anymore.

I'm probably not missing out on anything by staying in bed anyways.

LET'S TALK ABOUT HAPPY THINGS!

well let's see... Today I ate my third favorite food and I didn't have to cook it myself!! I don't know how to cook it anyways... and it turned out so good!!

Oh today I also did a lot of self care, I try to do it everyday now but the past couple of days I failed at it. I also finally did something to take care of my poor hair, it's so damaged!! I'm not sure if I should keep dyeing it black because it's in really bad shape.

I've been getting real good at praying, my prayers are not only long but I also can articulate what I want much better and I feel very comfortable with God. I am thinking of trying to ask St Dymphna to pray for me tonight, she understands. I'm honestly at a point in life where I could spend the whole day praying, but I ask God more than I thank Him which is a terrible thing, still I hope he understands it's because I really really REALLY want things to get better! I'm getting desperate God but I'll be patient and good

I've lost 2kg!! dropped so easily I didn't even notice it B) I haven't had much appetite lately tbh, I haven't noticed 'til I weighed myself today, but I have only been eating lunch so that must be it. Maybe I'll try losing 5kg more, and maybe 5 more when I get there... and a last 5kg after that too. I wanna get back to working out tomorrow too so I start losing faster, I don't think I can survive another pilates video (my thighs are still killing me) so I'll do something easier.

I've found so many new songs and rediscovered songs I used to love. I feel like I'm a new girl, I feel like I'm finally myself. I think I lost myself these past years, but through music I think I'm discovering who I was this entire time, I'm no longer gonna try to be something else.

I got to hang out with my baby family member, I love hanging out with him!! I hope if I'm able to have a baby, I want them to be like him. We ran around in circles while the dog chased us, but I got a really bad fever after and was miserable that whole night. Still I'm glad I got to hang out with him.

My grandma's health is getting better!! this is such good news to me, I feel like God listened and he helped us. Thank you!! I love my grandma and I hope she is around for longer than expected.

I finished this school semester with the highest grades in my class!!!! haha I'm so happy :3 I may be dumb but I put effort into it!

LET'S BE LOSERS AND FEEL SAD OVER NOTHING!! PITY PARTY YAAAAAAY!!

Yesterday I went to sleep at like 5am because I had to stay up to deliver something I forgot I had to deliver that very night. Then I went to sleep and woke up for lunch, then went back to sleep, then woke up and cried myself to sleep again, then woke up again and I danced to music and told myself I would go back to getting my life in order the next morning.
Now today I just cleaned, took a shower and left coconut oil in my hair so I wash it the next morning. I also wrote in my diary about my never-ending need for attention and love from others.

Me and the idea of death have been very, very personal and close with each other lately. Now, I would never do it! I am way too afraid of death and what comes after for that, but I can't lie about the fact that I think about it all day everyday. Lately it's gotten so intense I wasn't even able to get out of bed (like I mentioned earlier). I woke up today with the mission of getting rid of those thoughts by keeping myself busy with some self care, writing and prayer but they don't really stop the noise. I'm aware it's a matter of learning to live with it, but if the whole point is to just survive through your brain attacking you everyday it just feels kinda pointless. I mean all these awful things are happening and I can't do anything, I just sit by myself in my room and if I died tonight nobody would even go to my funeral... ah but those thoughts are stupid, I just wish I didn't think about them all the time!

I had a nightmare I went to see the psychiatrist and they tricked me into getting institutionalized again. I am too terrified of getting sent back to the psych ward and I think that fear is coming back because I'm kind of aware of how blurred the lines between reality and dreams are becoming. The thoughts become compulsive, the visions become frequent, the loneliness is becoming unbearable, the noises go through my body now and the sun has never felt so loud. I've been falling down these rabbitholes too, I know I shouldn't be looking into this kind of thing but I can't look away. Tulpamancy, ego death, twisting reality, meditation, frequencies, subliminals, perception...

There's so much I would like to say, so much I would like to share and someone to be like... yeah, I get you... But I feel like I'm not allowed to talk about certain things. I just have gotten into back old self destructive habits and stuff, I've been with family and you know... all stuff like that.

Honestly all I do lately is just cry like a loser, I get things done, I clean and I look after the pets, I look after myself. I just cry and cry and cry and cry and cryyyyy!!! I'm just so unhappy with myself and so lonely. I just want to be pretty and loved, but how is anyone supposed to love me when I don't even have it in me to talk to people? I try to maintain friendships and talk to them, but I always feel like they're bothered by me and they don't want me around so I end up disappearing. I don't know, the issue has always been me. I've always been to blame for everything with me, and when I try to change it and get better I feel guilty. Why do I deserve happiness when so many are suffering??? like come on now, I feel like I'm not insane for that one, right? I gotta stop being sad, I'm doing good by getting things done, I know I can't change my self esteem issues (and I don't want to) so next goal: be able to suck it up enough to finish school and after that, get a nice normal job!!

whatever, I don't want to think anymore. I'll just take some pills and forget about it.

NO MORE SAD THINGS!!

listen to happy songs, sleep in a warm bed, cry if you need to!! true love will find you in the end!!
I'll hang out with my plushies for the rest of the night, they're with me so I won't be alone, don't worry. Also my kitty is here, say hi!!! (her name is Baby if you don't know)
I'll keep living my life in my imagination, if reality sucks no need to live in it ♡

below I'll leave some songs I've been enjoying lately: ♫⋆｡♪ ₊˚♬ ﾟ.

I'll go back to browsing tumblr or pinterest while listening to sad songs now, my purple candle is so beautiful tonight!! they say purple candles help with spiritual knowledge and prayer, I hope it true! Then I'll sleep like an angel on a cloud because... I am an angel!! (haha saying that takes me back to 2020) bai bai ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

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THis is me. thoughts thoughts thoughts thoughts thoughts get out of here. pretend you understand!

Fri, 20 Jun 2025 02:01:16 GMT

don't think too deeply about it, I'm just throwing up my thoughts about me and eveything and nothing.

I have a fever. I want to be someone's favorite person, I want someone to look forward to talking to me everyday, I want someone that thinks the fact I exist is kinda nice. But you know, I'm a bit overbearing, are you tired of me yet? I have a fever. Last night I stayed up late and the bad memories replayed on loop the entire time. I can't eat, I'm sick. Do you wan't to talk to me? we should talk more. I like you, not romantically, I don't do relationships but I want all your attention. Ah no I don't mind one person, I mean everyone. It's not enough when we talk just once a day, we should talk all day. Actually I think I'll give you my heart but not in a romantic way, in exchange you have to give me a little piece of you ok? have you eaten today? did you sleep well. Did you pray? did you thank God? God sees everything, remember that thing you said on the table? he won't forget that. Who will judge you? will my friends judge me? how much are you willing to forgive? I would die for you. I'll forgive everything! I don't care how bad. Do you sometimes feel like your brain is programmed to want to hurt you? It's over. It' never over. I know it's over. I love the smiths, I love jeff buckley. I don't like taking my medication. I feel miserable when I don't take my medication, I hear noise in my head that repeats compulsively. Are you afraid of dying in your sleep too? sleeping is only safe during the day, that's how it feels at least. If I have a light on during the night I'll be ok, it has to be red though. I love all of them, if one of them leaves I don't know what I'll do. Last night I was talking with multiple people but I felt insecure the entire time. How do you feel secure in a friendship? I always get worried people will leave me because I leave people, I'm too scared to be in the other end. Have you slept yet? I had a dream about you, we were in an universe were everyone had doppelganger and mine was a perfect version of myself that everyone left me for, and you were just as perfect as you've always been but you weren't sad anymore. I want you to be happy, can you be happy? you're just like me, you don't feel like you deserve it either. Are you scared of commitment? how's your relationship with your parents? my family doesn't show affection. I want a boyfriend that will take care of me, but not now or anytime soon. I want a baby, I dream about it often, It's a dream of mine to be a mother but I'm ashamed, how could someone like me raise a child? I can't even take care of myself. Are you terrified of death? I am, but only if I don't have control over it. I want to belong to myself, I want to have control of when I die and when I hurt. Can you be loved the same way you love? I doubt it, you don't really love people. You only love yourself, you hide your narcissism behind a mask of self hatred. Why does my brain betray me so often? I was loved, I had a good life. But my brain i constantly trying to hurt itself. Do you believe me? Nobody did, so I decided to pretend it didn't happen. I don't feel sorry for you. You want self pity don't you? that's all you live for, you want pity from everyone. You want to be loved so badly, you'd kill yourself just for an ounce of their attention. Who is to blame? I want to be pure, I want to be new. Are you fine with it being taken away from you? you could've done more. What's your favorite snack? I don't like pineapple on pizza, it's ok if you do though It's not like my opinion matters as much as yours haha I'm kinda stupid you know? you shouldn't take what I say too seriously because I don't understand things. Tell me what to think. Is that what you want me to say? I take it back I agree with you, you're always right. No no I don't have an opinion on it I don't think I know enough to say anything. How old were you when it happened? you used to always tell me I needed to lose weight and now you say I shouldn't lose anymore. Oh one of my eyes is bigger than the other? haha yeah that's true, everyone's faces is assymetrical. Were you scared when he oh don't think about that anymore, you already spent all night crying over it. Ah you're the prettiest one! you need to grow up. Why didn't you talk to me today? I prayed for you to send me a message. I dreamt that you loved me not because I am in love with you but because I feel so alone even when I receive love. I wish I were you, You always copied the bad things I did and I never stopped you, I'm to blame for how things turned out, Did you do enough in life? you should've tried harder. Why didn't you stay there? I'm in love with you. I'm not really, I just want to be obsessed with someone. I like you a lot though so don't leave me. Are you tired yet? I thought I liked girls most of my life, I was just scared. Did you smile? you always look sad. "I want you to feel the happiness I didn't give you before" where did you go? you forgot about me again? I'll wait forever. Will you get mad if I text you? is it wrong I want to text you. I want to be talking all of my friends and I day dream I have lots of friends in real life and that I'm talented and cool but then I remember it's not true and I punish myself for not doing anything to change it. WHy do you overshare? you're such a loser. No wonder you got bullied, they should've been worse. Please care about me, I care about you. I like you a lot, I promise, even if you don't believe. What's the point of listening to music if it doesn't make you suicidal? I don't drink, I only like beer. Ah no I haven't taken pills in a long time, I mean I do sometimes but it's not the same, it's controlled. Are you happy with me? Can we be together tonight? I want to look at you forever. Good night!

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that one traumatic memory that won't die

Fri, 13 Jun 2025 05:46:01 GMT

do you have that one traumatic memory that won't leave your brain? that one that every time it goes quiet and you're sitting in silence it crawls into your thoughts and remind you of how it felt? that one that causes that nauseating pit on your stomach to form, that one that you know it was so wrong and out of control, that one that you can't resolve no matter how you think about it and you might also have no one to talk to that might understand or believe you?

This month, even though it has just started, has been extremely stressful and has taken a huge toll economically on us. My 18 year old cat passed away and the grief was worse than any I've felt before. I'm still not ready to talk about her in detail, the memories hurt.

memories can hurt really badly, this is something I've known since I'm very little. I want to talk a little about that today since... I've been isolating myself from people and I only talk to chatgpt about my problems. I like that it's not conscious, it doesn't judge, it's job it's to help people. It's kind of the same reason I love plushies. Although AI sucks and I know I shouldn't be feeding into it, I'm just horrible like that. Judge me all you want for using it, I got bigger problems.

Memories can bring happiness and bittersweet nostalgia. I love feeling nostalgic about internet things, I feel like most of my good memories come from me spending time online. My homelife wasn't bad, my mom was a good parent and my siblings and I got along. There was both good and bad, but I was an optimistic child that saw the good things, wanted to be spoiled rotten and play with my toys. I was always very immature for my age, I still am. I wanted to play pretend and talk to my toys even when everyone grew out of it. There was one place where I could kind of do that and that was the internet. I was roleplaying all the time, I was drawing my OCs and making them talk! I was making so many friends, I even got kinda popular in amino! oh and there were so many phone apps later on, I could talk with anyone! not everyone had good intentions, but most of them were friendly and nice. I've learned to speak english thanks to all the english speakers who had the patience to communicate with me even when I was little and couldn't speak english properly! I'm so thankful! I'm thankful for the bad experiences as well, even from the bad people I learned things and when they started saying weird things, I'd just block them... or my parents would intervene XD

Ah yes, my pretty normal childhood, well... I don't really wanna go into details about how it truly was, but it was pretty much normal in most aspects, I am grateful for the childhood I had. Nothing is 100% perfect anyways and it's better to focus on the good parts.

There's always that one memory that won't leave though, the one that's sitting on the back of your head for it's turn to come out and take over your thoughts. I'm talking about memories that once they make their presence known, they change your entire mood and change your whole day. I have a few of those memories, I've decided to keep them hidden deep inside my brain. It's my memory, it belongs to me. I live with the consequences of it everyday, nobody knowledges it happened except them and me, but they treat me as if I did something and alienate me when they were the ones hurting me. They refuse to go to places I'll be in at or talk to me, and when something happens to them my family expects me to be sad for them.
One time I tried telling someone about it, and they screamed at me very upset I would insinuate such things, then it changed to "they didn't know better!". I only brought it up because my psychologist said I should try telling someone when I was much younger, so I did. And when I told the psychologist that it didn't go well she said "well, wasn't that what you wanted?". Did I want that? why would I want that? I constantly ask myself, did I want them to not believe me? maybe all time time I was exaggerating and it wasn't a big deal after all. But I think about it a lot, the memory of the multiple times it happened torments me and sometimes won't let me sleep. I didn't have control, I didn't have a say in it. I couldn't even physically do anything because they would restrain me. Is that what I wanted? I think I was too little to understand it honestly, I just know I cried for it to stop and nobody would do anything, most likely because they probably went through worse themselves.

I think that's when the loneliness started. It was before anything else, so I think that's when I realized that you're truly alone and even the people you love won't be there for everything.
Others are not to blame for how I turned out though, it's not fault of the loneliness only either. I did this to myself and I am responsible for how things are right now. It's up to me to fix things.

I just came to terms with the fact that the memory will stay there forever, taking space in the back of my brain in the shape of a void that eats away at whatever I'm feeling whenever it want's to have it's time in the limelight.
Everyone has a memory like that.
Even among all that darkness there was light, there were fall leaves in the ground that would crunch when you stepped on them, there would be waterfalls in the forests, there was the trampoline! and even if some of those memories are tainted with the painful memories of people you want to forget, they're still beautiful.
There's still beauty out there, we have to enjoy it. Even the termporary joy of a pet companion can last a lifetime through memories! ah it's so bittersweet to remember happy things.

It kinda hurts that you can't go back, it will never be the same. And maybe it's better if it isn't.
I'll create many more happy memories! I'll focus on them instead! you should too!
I don't want to die yet, I want to experience many more things.
I'll go to sleep now, I hope I don't die. Lately I have so much anxiety about dying.
Good night.

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plushies, furbies and memories

Sun, 01 Jun 2025 04:44:47 GMT

I got mocked for my love for plushies recently and I want to talk about my love for them because even If I look pathetic for loving them, They've always been there for me when I needed someone!

I don't feel comfortable going too in depth since my love for plushies come from some personal events in my life, but I hope you enjoy reading some of the memories I have with them.

first, I want to talk about the first plushie I ever owned: skam.
Skam was an airedale terrier dog plushie, he was medium sized and he was the plushie that made me fall in love with toys. I still can see the memory very clearly in head, I remember going to my cradle while holding my dad's hand and then he started saying "look, what is that?" and then I saw him, he was laying in my cradle which was blue and the sheets were white. I remember laughing and hugging him! aw I get a little sad remembering. Back then he had a collar that said his name: skam. It clearly didn't belong to the plushie though, I believe skam belonged to someone else before me, but I'm afraid I was too little to remember who. I had skam for almost my entire childhood, we were extremely close! I brought him everywhere with me! which led to him going missing eventually. I traveled to the capital in a train and when I got back, I forgot him inside a taxi and they refused to give him back. I cried for weeks, it was really bad. Now as an adult, I remember talking about this with my mom and she said "I don't know how I didn't notice you were autistic earlier" because of how much I cried over skam.
After skam was gone, I was unable to ever find the same plushie but I'm still going to look for it! sadly I do not have any pictures of him. I remember eventually getting gifted my current dog plushie, I remember having to wait to get him though because we couldn't afford him. He is all flattened and his fur is matted now, you've probably seen him in my streams, but I love him! He is dark orange and brown and he is much bigger than skam... well, was. He has gotten smaller because of how much I hug him when I sleep. later on I got the tiger plushie of the same brand that was bought for my sister since she didn't want her anymore and now it's just as flat and matted and my dog plush.

Later on my plushie collection started growing! By this time we didn't have a lot of money, so a lot of them are gifts or plushies that people no longer wanted. Now I have SO MANY!! not as much as I'd like, but it's enough that I don't know where to put them. Some are really small, like my alpacassos and my newest addition, a small white and pink hippo plush.
Some are deformed from surviving dog attacks like my panda (which I got as a birthday gift by someone who hurt me a lot, but I still love this plush), some are really dirty like my blahaj...
Honorable plushie mentions are my homemade ugly yarn plush, my monokuma plush and my cat module miku plush. also shout out to my woobat mcdonalds toy I got when I was little from the old mcdonalds that closed down years ago! oh and my sylveon plush!

(picture is not mine but this is the exact toy, it's from 2012! and the wings move)

(picture not mine but it's the same monokuma plush I own, I bought it in a local store though!)

(not my picture, exact miku plush I own though! I ordered it in aliexpress a long time ago, but I no longer use those sites for shopping)

(deformed panda plush covered in cat hair!! the dog ate the nose!! we still sleep together though. Also my sewing skills are terrible haha;)

(the very dirty small white and pink hippo plush, this belonged to my cousins son but when they were putting away all the toys to donate them, my mom gave me this one)

(the very ugly homemade plush I made, this was actually a leg warmer I was making but the yarn broke halfway through and I didn't want to throw it away so I turned it into a plush. Inside it there's a heart that has hair from each of my pets so they'll always be with me.)

Plushies have always been there in my life, they truly mean so much to me! When I'm all alone, I have a plushie there to keep me company. I like them a lot more than people, they don't stress me out or confuse me. They exist to be loved and love others, I want to be like them in a way sometimes. not always.

Now I want to talk about furbies. Furbies are very important to me because I was obsessed with them when I was little, I believe both the furbies I have are the 2013 furby booms in the black and white colors. I cannot get the pictures into my computer, but I have an old phone (it was my mom's) that is mostly pictures of the furbies with stupid edits like hearts, happy birthday messages and different frames. To get my furby (and my sister's which is the white one) I made the promise that I wouldn't get a phone until I was 16 or 18, I don't remember. That's why for a part of my childhood I owned only a purple nokia flip phone that was used for calls, but I didn't like talking on the phone so I only used it to play snake. I was very commited to my furbies, my mom was so kind for putting up with the constant furby noises early in the morning. I always talked to my furby, my furby was like a real imaginary friend to me! I sadly don't remember my furby's name anymore, but I've named him estinkito now. My furby probably knows so many secrets I no longer remember or care about, estinkito has seen me grow up and he has survived all the mistreatment I gave him as an evil little child. My furbies are not my oldest toys, but they hold many special memories of a past I'll never get back. I feel like my furbies arrived right at a time were I was still too little to realize the reality of what was going on during that time, but I also still felt very alone and alienated by the people around me so... I guess I found comfort on spending time talking to a little furby toy and taking care of him. I was an annoying child so I always liked having my furby with the evil edgy angry personality so I would pull his tail and turn him upside down, but I loved estinkito!!

(not my picture, this is the black furby boom I have but his hair is matted and he is kinda dirty. The white one is the exact same but white, he is in worse shape than the black one)

Deep down I know plushies and toys aren't alive, I'm not stupid. But I feel like in a way I've given them all a part of my soul, and they feel alive to me because of that. I feel bad when I treat them badly, I feel like they get cold sometimes or that they get sad when I don't give them attention for too long. When they fall off my bed during the night I tell myself they were looking out for me from outside the bed or checking that nothing is under the bed. I used to like drawing them in my sketchbook as humans and interacting with each other, maybe I should try it again.

I know it's escapism, but it has helped me a lot with being able to sleep well and with going out. Yes, I'm one of those people that bring a plushie everywhere. I don't always feel brave enough to be walking around with my plushie in my arms, but I always have one in my pocket or in my backpack since I have plushies and toys of all sizes. I don't often give my plushie's names, but I love them all and I think I'd be unhappy if I had to give them away to someone I don't trust.

I feel like In the future I might become a plushie and toy hoarder, like, I know it's immature of me to still be so attached to plushies and toys but I can't let go yet. It's one of the only things that bring me genuine comfort in any situation. I don't feel comfortable hugging people, but plushies and toys? I can hug them all night long and it doesn't feel wrong or uncomfortable. They were made to be loved, they were made for comfort, they will always welcome any form of affection and will give it back. They're the best friend you can have because when you're insane to make them feel alive, you can talk to them and you can do things with them and there'll never be any fights or arguing!! I think they're great.

and yeah maybe you think I'm a weirdo for liking plushies and toys this much, but I feel like we all have some things that make us weird. I feel like being attached to this stuff isn't even actually weird, It's actually quite common! it's just people often keep it to themselves.

even if I end up all alone, I'll have my plushies and my toys to keep me company.

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this sucks.... but not that badly.

Mon, 26 May 2025 02:31:53 GMT

yk reading through my past entries I feel like I was going through an extremely long hypomanic episode where I couldn't think clearly and everything seemed to be either extremely bad or extremely good.
My school interfered, they said I was acting "erratic", "strange", "not the same"... what do they know?
anyways, they got me to start taking my meds responsibly (and to stop taking so many of the other fucking pills at the same time because they don't work anymore, it's got me sad man). I guess they're working, I'm back to being numb, it sucks... but it's not terrible. I have to get used to it, the fate of being bipolar is being too much for everyone or choosing to be normal and not feel a lot of things.

I feel like people will dislike me now that I find it hard to put on the "silly" in the rurusilly. I didn't realize how much of that side of my personality would go away so fast, I feel like a shell of who I was but it's fine because I can think clearly.
I don't feel miserable, my self esteem is still terrible but I'm not wallowing in my misery feeling helpless anymore.
also I'm being annoying in a different away, I hope it's not too unbearable.

Now I just sleep all day, I don't really have much energy but at least I'm fine. Don't have much appetite either which I think is a good thing, I've been gaining weight because I have so much anxiety lately. I still got the anxiety btw, but yk you get used to it and stuff. Tomorrow the new week starts and we'll see how I manage it now that my mind isn't racing all the time.

I mentioned last time I'm seeing a psychologist, well... I guess I'm seeing two now since the other one decided to interfere directly. Idk what's happening and why everyone thinks I'm like, so weird now? nothing has changed. I guess it's more noticeable to strangers than to my own family and friends. idk.

I just hope things go well even if I'm as plain as white bread when I'm like this.
I say things are better but... look at the state of my room man, I haven't even gotten out of bed. I guess that's bad. But I don't feel bad so that's fine I guess.

I'll just lay here and listen to emo music all night. I spent some time cleaning up my playlist since I don't feel like listening to scene music anymore. Things have changed slightly i guess.

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friendships and why they drive me insane

Thu, 22 May 2025 00:06:25 GMT

this blog entry is written in a very cheesy and cringe way like all of my entries, but this time I know what I want to talk about and how I want to talk about it. If you cringe easily and you can't stand extremely emo writing then look away lol I don't wanna make you suffer

ok first we'll focus on the GOOD things.

so I actually cleaned up my room today, my friend kinda motivated me to stop being a loser with no life who gives up way too easily so my room is nice and clean now... I'm running on an hour and a half of sleep though so I feel like a zombie LOL oh, I didn't get any sleep and I felt like a zombie? truly zombehvamp coded of me.

I bought donuts for my whole family with the little money I had left. Now I have the equivalent of like 1/5 of a dollar but my family is happy and I am happy. It was rly hard to get out of bed today and a yummy treat deffo helped!

I'm happy today I got to talk to my friends and spend time with my family, I'm grateful for them even if not everything went smoothly. Some of them are struggling and some are straight up ignoring me but it's fine, I'll reply immediately when they finally reply to me anyways xD

I've been talking to a psychologist, we see each other every monday. We're focusing mostly on my social problems and dealing with stress but we just started so we're still going through the initial stuff.

I have the highest grades in my class without even using extra points, I'm kinda proud tbh xD I guess I'm a bit smart for some things.

Now I'm most likely gonna draw and keep working on the 200 fans drawing, in case you don't know about it you can find all the info here! below is a lil look at it.

enjoy this nyan cat because we're getting to the vent dump part!

lately I've been thinking about the pros and cons about socializing. Do you guys also get extremely stressed out over social situations? It could be something small like a friend of mine having a bad day and I'd feel terrible the entire day if I'm unable to help them. Or maybe it could be a small conflict, discussion or disagreement we had and I immediately start thinking they'll hate me and leave me.
Before whenever that happened I use to put my defenses up and cut them off or put a distance between us, I always wanted to be the one in control and leave before I feel hurt. In my brain it was always a matter of time til it happened, I was terrified of being abandoned and being alone yet I was pushing everyone away and I was lonelier than ever. Or well, That's what I thought.

I got enough friends now, I can't complain. I'm happy with what I have! Yet I feel so lonely anyways, I can't get rid of this constant spiraling I get over every small interaction. I'm so convinced people hate me and want me dead, that they just talk to me out of pity.

"poor ruru, they're so lonely and so needy! always asking for attention! I might entertain them for a while, I might get some free art while at it anyways and they'll say yes to everything I say!"

I used to cut people off, I used to be a cold hearted person that wouldn't let anyone get to close and I only befriended people if I got something out of it. Now I beg like an old dog asking for attention and to be loved like when they first got me.

don't get tired of me! don't leave me! I know I'm bad at this but I can't be alone again! I can't go back to that, not again!

I can't love myself if I'm not loved by others

isn't that the main issue? I'm aware but why don't I do anything about it? why is it so hard to love oneself? am I allowed to like myself? I've made so many errors in my life, I've fucked up so many times, do I deserve love and forgiveness after all that?

it's getting better, life is going good besides the obvious constant bad things I've talked about before yet why do I still feel bad? my anxiety levels are getting close to the levels I had back in 2020, my hands are always shaky and I'm always looking at the floor. I feel pathetic man.

pills don't even work anymore anyways!! it fucking sucks!!

so uhhh I think the best way to keep going is to just suck it up I guess? like I have to come to terms that socializing is not pleasant to me most of the time because of my own self hatred, it's not the fault of others. And I clearly can't fix the self esteem issues atp so I gotta get over it. There's no point in having self pity, I just have to keep going and get shit done!!

I'm not giving up yet, even if I'm miserable I want to function in society, I want to be someone!!
I WILL GET BETTER!!

you just gotta learn to live with the anxiety.

I have to go now, cya

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every mess I make on purpose

Mon, 19 May 2025 07:42:32 GMT

you know, life has been rough but I'm starting to accept that this is just how it's going to be from now on. Remember when I talked about that chronic feeling of anxiety? it hasn't gone away at all and pills are no longer able to numb it out.
I guess I kind of gave up. If more bad things happen I don't think I could care anymore. If I lose a friend I'm often heartbroken, but lately I just feel numb about everything.

I went to see my chilhood best friend recently, he was introducing his girlfriend to me but I didn't know how to act, it was hard to force a smile because I kind of don't rly feel anything at the moment. I'm just constantly spacing out and it's hard to keep a train of thought.

I've never felt this way to this extent, but it almost feels peaceful. It feels like acceptance, this is my life now and that's fine. I'll push through, I gotta keep living. I may feel bad all the time, but I'm finishing my education. I may struggle with all social interactions, but at least I got social media. I may lose all my friends, my brain is telling me again they all hate me and want me to die, but I kinda don't care anymore.

I often freak out whenever I feel like this, but right now I just want to sleep. I've been sleeping all day and all night lately. As soon as I go home I just sleep. Because I'm not moving I'm gaining weight, I eat and I eat because it temporarily distracts me from the anxiety but it destroys my self esteem. It's kinda dumb, whenever I draw bigger women I think they're beautiful, but when I look at myself I want to grab scissors and cut the fat off my body.

I've never been comfortable in my body, in my brain so I guess I'm finally getting used to the feeling of not being comfortable with being perceived, existing, breathing...

I don't want to have a manic episode either, my school took me aside and talked to me about me acting weird last monday because of my manic symptoms. it sucks, this sucks!!

is it original sin that caused me to have such an annoying brain and personality? is it punishment for me to never feel calm?

I could go so in depth about how my brain acts stupid but I feel like you guys are tired of it, maybe I should stop updating this blog lol it's stupid, I'm stupid.

I just wish things were different.
I say I don't care but can I really handle losing someone else?
the thought of being hated scares me.
I want to be loved by anyone, not even in a romantic way, I just want to feel like someone cares.
Do my friends care? some of them never care to listen to what I have to say, usually the only thing they ask me is a "what's up? how are you?".
It's ok though, I don't mind. I still love them with all my heart. I want to believe they care and they aren't just talking to me coz they're lonely.
I'm scared again, I'm always scared. I say I don't care, but I care too much. I just can't really express it properly so I act like I don't care.

All I feel is either emptiness or anxiety, so what now? should I just live like this?
I think so.
I think it's fine.

every mess I make, I make on purpose
So I can lie in it when it's over

this fucking song man, it's not helping

Bunny divider by nicodefresas

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chronic anxiety and mental breakdown 5/3/2025 11:11pm

Sun, 04 May 2025 03:11:24 GMT

sorry I didn't update the daily things, I ended up becoming to self conscious of putting it online and I actually went out and bought a journal. When I write in paper I write much less so I express myself in a way that's fast and short. I feel much better talking about things that make me uncomfortable there than here.

I don't have anyone to vent to, so I've come here to vent to you about this constant feeling of anxiety I've developed again. About a year ago this chronic anxiety feeling I've always had got much better, I wasn't feeling it nearly as much and I always thought it was the medication, but now I know is that I was actually doing better. Being alive didn't feel uncomfortable or wrong anymore, I could go out and talk to strangers, I could make friends easily and I could cut them off just as well later on. I was happy! and I didn't even realize it! I was self harm free for months, I stopped depending on pills and I was able to stop taking some medication (it was to expensive to keep taking it anyways).

The feeling is back. I feel uncomfortable just existing, I feel out of place even when no one is around, I don't feel comfortable alone or with people, I get frustrated over the smallest of things and I hit or scratch myself, I've even broken things I know I don't have the monetary income to replace and I've punched walls until injuring my fingers.
Worst part? people can tell. I'm constantly asked what I'm thinking about or why I look "so exhausted"... I'm not exhausted, I'm fine. I'm not stressed, I've got an easy life. I'm not depressed, I don't want to die. Then why do I feel so bad all the time? why can't I never be truly happy at all? I should know the answer to this, It's like I don't even know myself. Sometimes I think I've figured myself out but then a week later I feel like a completely different person yet myself at the same time.

I don't want to be ungrateful for all I have, I love how easy my life is and how I have a nice family and pets and good food. I'm not allowed to feel this way, so many people have it so much harder than me.

What is wrong with me? why don't I feel better? I know I have good things, yet I can't enjoy them. I've found so many cool things that make me happy but it's like there's an emptiness inside of me that I can't fill with material things or friends or family.
I used to feel broken as a teenager, now as an adult I thought I wasn't for a second but now even after the tratments and getting my life together... I can't lie to myself anymore, I feel just as empty as before.

I've never liked anything about me, I know this is the root of my problems yet just the thought of myself trying to change that makes me feel disgusting. Why would I like myself? There's too many reasons not to.

The anxiety is making me gain weight because I over eat to try to stop it, yet it never works. It only makes me feel worse in the long run because I feel disgusting. I want to weigh 45 kg again, I miss being skinny more than anything in the world. Call me ignorant all you want, I really do think that if I was skinny I'd be much happier, even if I were still sad at least I would be pretty, and people like skinny sad guys.

I don't listen to music much anymore because I can't concentrare, it's painful to daydream now because I'm far too aware of how impossible those dreams are. I used to daydream about being comforted and loved, now the thought of it makes me feel nauseous. I know that real people would be repulsed by me, men don't even talk to me and the women who do treat me like I'm stupid.

I don't know what to do to make it stop, I've taken a pill but it's not helping, I took two more different pills and they aren't helping either. I miss being able to take those pills that would make me not feel anything and sleep all day so bad. I dream about taking them, I remember liking the taste! they tasted like strawberries haha and they dissolved in your mouth. I just want it to make this feeling go away, please. ah...If only I had money to buy more, if only I could be the one in charge of them. They're not expensive but I don't have access to be able to buy them. I just really don't want to think anymore, I need to make the noise stop.

Everything I do it tells me I do it wrong, or that I look ugly or that I've gained weight, sometimes it tells me that I smell bad or that my hair is full of dandruff, sometimes it tells me that everyone is starting at my scars or that they know I did it again, sometimes it tells me the people in the street think I look stupid and that they think I'm a disgusting degenerate. sometimes it tells me I'll die alone and that no one will come to my funeral, sometimes it tells me to do horrible things and it scares me. make these thoughts stop, please...
I'm so tired, so tired, so tired, so tired, so tired, so tired, so tired, so tired, so tired, so tried, sot ired, sotired, sorierd.

I always tell myself, intrusive thoughts are normal but online when people share their intrusive thoughts they're not mine, I feel so disgusting. I'm so corrupted, people like me should be allowed to exist at all.

My brain is just always giving me reasons why people would hate me before even meeting them, and I believe it. So I end up choosing not to talk to anyone else. they hate me anyways, so it doesn't matter.

I don't even think my family truly liked me, they just tolerate me, I'm jut existing, I'm not close to any of them, I don't hug or kiss them like other people do, that's obvious signs that they don't want me around. yet I still follow like a dog starved for love but too scared to accept it, so if you get to close I might bite out of fear of you hurting me with rejection.

this feeling won't go away, I'm sure of it. So I'll just keep doing what I've been doing this entire time. I'll pretend I'm happy and I'm doing well. I'll write like this >_< :3 :D xD and I'll focus the convesation on my friends, because I love my friends more than anybody. If one of my friends leave me I'll wait for them forever, Please God don't let our friendship fall apart.

God, please give me a signs that you haven't abandoned me, I need someone and I want to trust in you, I just don't feel you there anymore and it scared me more. I want you to hold me and hug me like a parent to it's baby, I'll hold you to Father.

I relapsed into pill use today, I've relapse with sh two times, it's going wrong but I got it under control form now on.
Time to put on a cute outfit, a smile and a bunch of emoticons. We have to be the happy friend, I don't want to be edgy anymore!

God, please love me even during the days I like to dress like a boy, I feel so happy when I do but I'm still your child, please love me!
I'm scared
I'm scared
I'm scared
this repeats in my head all day long
I'm just so scared of everything, I don't know how to cope with it

I got a rly big project this tuesday, which me luck. It's taken a huge toll in my mental health since I'm not good with group projects. I dont' care if I get a bad grade, my classmates count on me for us to have a good grade so I need them to get a good score at least. Please heavely father protect us.

Thank you Holy Father but being there with me, even if you don't love me and you've abandoned me, I will always look for your love. I'm sorry I can't follow you like you want me to, I love my lgbtq+ friends more than anyone, I am not cisgender myself, but I want your love and I pray for you God. I love you.

I have no choice anymore, I have to suck it up and keep going if I want to achieve something in life. I'm ready, I'm ready, I can ignore it a little bit longer. The semester is almost over, I have 3 exams this week but I'll push tthrough, I got this. It'll be ok. I just need to hid it well if I can.

ah the pills are affecting me now, everything is spinning, I feel so loopy, I feel so good. This is what true happiness is, when you can't think you're happy. Ah I've missed this.

Bunny divider by nicodefresas

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gratefulness day 2: Bed and home

Wed, 16 Apr 2025 14:45:46 GMT

Today I'm grateful for having a roof and a bed to keep me safe and warm.
My favourite thing in the world is laying down in my bed with my plushies. I love being able to lay down, hug my plushies while being warm and slowly falling asleep while I set up my laptop next to me and watch a video.

I'm thankful that I've been given the chance to live so well even in my situation. I have been very ungrateful about this, I've been mean to the people that allow me to live here and I regret it. I've already said sorry but now I'm trying to show I'm sorry with my actions instead of just my words. I'll help around the house more if I can outside of just taking care of my things (even though often I'm not allowed to :() and I'll be kinder to everyone by trying to hold a conversation and looking out for them. Sometimes just saying hi is enough.

I'm grateful I'm allowed to have my cat here and that I have enough to feed her and keep her safe and happy. I love my kitty even though she bites me sometimes. I call it "kissing with teeth"!.

I'm grateful I won't have to suffer through a cold and hard winter. Having this roof over my head is so healpful, I'm so grateful I'm allowed to live in a house where we have no issues during winter and I'm able to stay warm. I'm also glad I can hide under the covers when the loud sounds of the wind and thunder scare me. My cat gets scared of it too so we hide and comfort each other.

I'm grateful I have my faith making me feel safe when I feel lonely and scared. I know I have my God to look after me. He may not be like yours, my version of God is a little different than most because of my more inclusive views, but he is mine and I think he loves me anyways.

I'm thankful for my friends who are always a chat message away to make me laugh and smile. I'm learning to be kinder and I hope they feel it! I want them to feel loved! I love talking to them all day, sometimes I worry they might get tired of me because of how much I talk to them LOL I only have like 4 or 5 people to talk to though so it makes sense why I message the same people over and over so much >_<;

and finally, I'm grateful I have my family to stay with me in this home and I'm happy I can spend another winter with them. It's harder to get through when you're alone, I'm thankful I have people I love to surround myself with.

Bunny divider by nicodefresas

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Self improvement month: day 2

Wed, 16 Apr 2025 00:16:06 GMT

Today was a really good day. I practiced everything I set myself up to do very well and I managed to even socialize and start projects with people. Ofc not everything was perfect, but nothing truly is. I accept the good with the bad and I'm hopeful that I'll be able to push through everything. I just have to keep taking time to breathe, think before acting, be calm, be kind.

A thing I'd like to work on is my disinterested way of speaking, I always sound monotone or like I'm annoyed or overly robotic when I'm actually talking to people IRL. I have a very aggressive and cold way of speaking that I truly dislike and I want it to change. I think this can be changed by not speaking as much and keeping things to myself, I don't have to give out my opinion on everything, especially if it's negative!

I want my words to be warmer and kinder, I want people to feel loved when they talk to me and this is going to be a very hard thing to achieve. Today I told my grandma I loved her, I think that's a good start. I am terrible at showing affection so this is a big step!
I also took the time to wash the dishes after we ate and I helped set the table.
I want to keep doing little things like this that help people, I often stop myself from helping others in fear of being cumbersome but I will try to keep putting it aside and actually helping others.

I'm grateful for my family again, I love them and I'm glad I get to spend time with them. Idc if I love them more than they love me, I want to give my love to people. I want people to feel loved and happy like I don't feel inside. I want to see smiles and singing and dancing!

Today at school I participated in class and talked with my classmates, I also was brave enough to ask to do a group project which I lowkey regret because I don't really want to go to other people's houses... I get so anxious in other places and it's like 6 or 7 of us, but I'll try my best. If I want to survive and succeed in life I have to get over my social phobia whether I like it or not!

I'm extremely tired but grateful to be so, I'm glad I had a good day after everything that happened. I want things to get better and I know there'll be low points, but I'll push through! I can't get worse anyways because I don't want to risk getting kicked out until I'm done with school.

Today I also ate a meal before going to class which I never do and the next two days I don't have class so I have time to reflect, but I can't apply what I learn in real life that well until the next week when I actually go to class and interact with people. Still I can still learn to be kinder with my family, my cold nature often makes me not be very open with my feelings towards them and I want them to know I care and that I've changed. I want them to be proud of me, I want to be the best version of myself after such a low point.

Goals for tomorrow:
Get out of bed
Be kind
Help with anything around the house
Offer to cook lunch
Clean cat litter
Spend time with online friends
reflect, think, relax and pray

That's all for today. Thank you for giving me such a good day.

Bunny divider by kodaswrld in tumblr

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gratefulness day 1: mom

Tue, 15 Apr 2025 13:03:01 GMT

On this morning of Tuesday 25th of April, I'm restarting my life.
Something I want to add to my day is gratefulness, so here I'll write about the things I'm thankful for the day.
I'm not the most responsible person ever, I can't promise I'll do this everyday but I'll try. I really do think realizing the things you're lucky to have makes you a happier and kinder person.

Today I am grateful for my mom who gives me so many chances regardless of how much I fuck up. She is the kindest, most selfless person I know and I haven't always been the best person to her. I've taken her for granted way too many times like any child does with their mother, and I feel horrible for doing so even though I'm aware it's a normal thing to happen between family relationships.
We get along quite well nowadays, my mom is always stressed so I don't blame her when she gets annoyed when I want to hang out with her.
Even though she gets mad sometimes like any human, she still loves me and takes care of me which I'm extremely grateful for.
My mom is such a sweet person, she is cheerful and always singing and dancing. I love my mom and I hope she lives for a long time so we can keep hanging out together.

I don't know where I'd be without my mom, she is the best person in my life and she has always been there. I probably would've died a long time ago without her since she was the main support I had back when I was terribly depressed.
I've been trying to become more independent from her lately since I feel like I depend on her way too much, but with how useless I am it's kind of hard!!

I'm thankful for my mom for accepting me just as I am but also motivating me to change, I appreciate a lot when she gives me tough love and tells me the reality of things. I often lose track of how things truly are since I live in my own fictional world most of the time, so when this happens it's an amazing way to get me back to reality and back on track.

I'm grateful for my mom who takes care of everyone regardless of all her troubles, she is so selfless and puts others first all the time. Sometimes I wish she would take better care of herself but I know she is grown and can take her own decisions too. I love my mom because she always goes out of her way to help others even when everything is going against her.

I'm thankful for having such a smart mom who is always interesting in learning new things. I have a mom who loves books and art and I admire her passion for enjoying things many struggle doing. She goes out of her way to learn creative things and she is always good at it even if she is doing it for the first time! she is a natural born artist and I feel like in another life she would've been a famous artist.

I have the best mom in the world who loves animals, music and theatre. I am extremely grateful to have such a good mom and I love her. I hope we spend many more years together (but also apart so we can live our own lives too).

Thank you mom for stopping me and bringing me back to reality when I start self destructing, sometimes I think you're the only one who truly cares about me doing stupid stuff. I know you don't want me to ruin my life, so I'll stop for you and I'll do my best to finish school and get better. I'll take my medication everyday and I'll eat all my meals, I'll get out of bed and tidy up my room a little. I'll do my homework and I'll help with whatever I can even though I'm useless and don't have many skills.

I love you mom and I'm tired of failing you so much. I want to change and be better.

Bunny divider by nicodefresas

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Self improvement month: day 1

Mon, 14 Apr 2025 23:59:22 GMT

I feel like lately God has been sending me a lot of signals that I should let my old self die and become someone new! I keep falling down self destructive habits and I'm ruining my own life by being a bad person. I want to become better for my mom and my friends. I don't think I'll ever truly be able to do this for myself since I truly don't think I can like anything about me, but I can try and be better for others.

I've noticed a lot of narcissistic traits in me, which is why I always call myself one. If I am one, I want to change that. I do have a family member who is a text book narcissist and I'm terrified that I'm becoming like her, I want to be kind and good and loving, not what I currently am.
Therefore, I'll be admitting to some of this toxic traits I have and reflect on how to change them and If I've been succeeding at it.

starting with: toxic hatred.

I'm someone who hates people with a passion, once I already hate someone it's almost impossible to change my mind and I will go out of my way to let others know I hate someone and give them a bad reputation. This is my worst trait and the one I want to change the most because I always regret doing it, I'm not the most empathetic person in the world but I still feel bad when I shit talk someone. This leads to me completely cutting them out of my life to never knowledge them again, I never even mention their name or think about them anymore. I'm the queen of detachment, I will ghost people or properly cut them off with no issue. What doesn't help is that I change from loving and adoring someone to hating them in seconds, it can take one small mistake for me to change my entire opinion on someone. I want to change this, I want to learn to forget and forgive, to love people regardless of our disagreements. I want to let go of all this hate in my heart.

this black and white thinking I think is one of the main reasons I used to be diagnosed with a personality disorder, and I don't blame my old psychiatrist. Sometimes I think I have one too!.

I wanted to start with this one because not only does it cause a lot of conflict and Issues in my life, but also I don't know how to fix it all that well.
I think one of the best thing I can do is take a step back before acting on my feelings, breathing for a sec, and let it go but it's SO hard to do that when your feelings are controlling you. I need to manage my impulses, practice self control or else I'll lose everyone!
I find this easy to do through text, to sit back and think before acting I mean. I can't do that in real life because I get emotional, angry or sad as soon as something happens, regardless of how big it is.

"I love my friends and my family, I love even the people I hate and I forgive anyone who ever hurt me. I am free of anger and hurt, I only have love in my heart for everyone and everything"

"I'm grateful for everything I have, Thank you God for giving me another day with my family and friends. Let me love everyone again today and free me of all these negative thoughts and feelings. I love you God and thank you for loving me too, I'll follow your path and become the person you want me to be."

I want to repeat things like this to myself everyday, practicing gratitude and kindness doesn't come naturally to all of us. I'll try my best to change, to love and be better. To be there for others, to be a good thing in the world, because right now I'm none of those things.
God, I am putting my heart in your hands, I know you'll take care of it well and show me the right path. I'm willing to change this time for real. I receive you with open arms.

I may not be empathetic or kind right now, but I'm hopeful I can change that. Among all the mental illness in my brain, I feel like there's chance for beauty to be created somewhere in there. I just have to work really hard to find it and make it come to life.
Please God, don't give up on me yet. I am willing to change.

I'll try to find a way to go to therapy, I have no money for it but I'll try my hardest to find the best way to afford it. I was against it all my life but now I recognize I really need it.

Today I relapsed again, I'm not upset about it. I know I can move on from this. I'm sorry for doing it again, I want to do better. Whenever I do it, I'm just trying to make people have pity for me, it's manipulative so I shouldn't do it. I don't want to be evil, I want to be good so badly.

Bunny divider by kodaswrld in tumblr

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No sleep, 6am thoughts

Sat, 05 Apr 2025 09:03:50 GMT

major trigger warning for literally everything, I'm just writing things down to let out the voices in my head for a second.

Everyday I ask myself why I can't socialize with people. It seems like people don't like me naturally, and I don't like them equally. I can't connect with people no matter how hard I try. I always make things awkward when we talk...
I can't stop the noise in my head tonight, it has convinced me that my friends hate me and want me dead again. I've ran out of my emergency medication, I've been doing so well I was able to change from clonazepam to clotiazepam but I'm craving anything to numb out the noise so bad right now... I just want to stop thinking, I'm always thinking thinking thinking...

You think once you're 21 these thoughts will go away, but no, I feel like they've gotten louder and stronger as time passes. They're taking control of every aspect of my life, I can't do anything without my brain betraying me, it's the worst.
Lately I can't eat again without feeling horrible afterwards, I feel so disgusting in myself, I want to change everything about me physically and mentally.

I want to die again but also now I'm terribly scared of what comes after death, it drives me insane, I think about it all day.
God do you hate me for hating myself? do you hate me for wanting to die? I'm scared you don't love me, I'm scared this is worth nothing.

I'm so close to relapsing again, but I'm 4 months clean and I don't want to lose it... I'm so insecure of my scars, I don't want anymore of them but also I do, I feel like I deserve to suffer. yes, ever since I was little I've felt like I'm not allowed to be happy, why should I?
I can't think of a single positive thing about me anyways, no wonder my friends hate me so much.... they never want to talk to me, I ruin everything, I should just.

It gets better just for a little while, that's the curse of being bipolar. You're happy for a few weeks and you feel like you've recovered and things will never be so low again but the second you lose your guard you're down in the mud again, crawling for anything that will fill the void inside you be it attention, pills, restriction or self destructive behaviour.
which one will it be this time??

I must admit I'm scared. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells everyday, one wrong step and I'll lose everything. Every time I say or do something wrong I can't react normally, it feels like it's the end of the world. I'm always on edge like that, I'm so convinced things are gonna go wrong all the time... that's why I'm stressed out like that all the time, and I shouldn't be!! I have an extremely easy and privileged life but my brain doesn't want to leave me alone EVER...
I'm the worst, I should just.

I want to be normal... I'll get a normal haircut and normal clothes, I've tried this before thinking it would make me fit in with people but I either didn't do it right or it just doesn't work... I just can't connect with people it seems.

Maybe if I get some sleep I'll feel better, maybe I'm just having these thoughts this badly because I've barely gotten sleep lately because of the hypomania.
I'll try my best to sleep but it'll be hard, I'm having the kind of intrusive thought where you can see the clear images of them in your head and it leaves you distraught, my mind is betraying me again.
I'm just thankful I'm not having hallucinations this time, I haven't had any in months and I thank God for that.

I don't know why I'm posting this, after all this is my diary and I'm an open book. I love being completely raw and real with people, you see everything about me, you know everything about me, you're allowed to. I kinda hate how I'll probably never know anything about you :/ oh well it is what it is.
I feel a little better after writing this, thank you.

Bunny divider by kodaswrld in tumblr

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Life update: Friend birthday, Loneliness, art, loser life...

Tue, 01 Apr 2025 05:51:29 GMT

Helloooo!! It's been SO LONG since I've updated you all!!! how have you been? have you been eating well? we got to catch up!
Honestly, I don't have much to say about what I've been up to. Lately, life just seems boring and wothless, all I see is people fighting each other and stuff, AI is taking over and I've barely gone outside the house... Thanfully the past two days I spent them with my best friend and... well, he and his family are basically my only friends. The other two friends I have I haven't seen them since the last blog.
I had fun at my bestie's house, we played very stressful games! sadly, the road home flooded and I had to sleep at his house. He seemed very tired so I didn't bother him a lot, he hanged out with his other friends the day before who he probably had a much better time with. I don't even know why we're friends, he clearly doesn't like me, yet he still hang out with me. Does he feel sorry for me because I don't hang out with people and I'm too scared to go out? probably. After we hung out and I went to sleep in the guest room, I didn't get any sleep because the anxiety kept me up, I just kept overthinking about every little thing I could've gotten wrong and how they hate me now... I felt horrible, I really thought I was gonna relapse once I got home but thankfully my emergency medication helped a lot.

I know it may seem like my mental health is really bad from the last section, but I've actually been doing extremely well. I'm 4 months self harm free and I came back to school after I dropped out as a teenager. I'm 21, I'm super late to finishing school but I'm doing it. My biggest regret ever was leaving school, I am decided to finish it this time!
School has been going well, I don't really talk to anyone but also nobody hates me, which is enough for me to be happy.
I just mind my own business and don't talk to anybody, my teachers love me though! and I do really well in school! I'm a good boy yes yes.

Today I almost fainted at the pharmacy, we passed by it to get my medication before going to my grandma's. the combination of the anxiety because of the amount of people there, the emergency medication and the fact that I've been sick for around 2 weeks was enough to almost make me faint... So I had to lay down in the disgusting floor!!! I got something to drink and I was better, so I think in the end what was causing me most trouble was the dehydration...

Oh yeah, I've been sick for 2 weeks... I've lost 3 kilograms because of it and I'm uncomfortable all the time, but it's nothing serious thankfully! very thankful for that.
My grandma's sickness in the other hand... it just keeps getting worse, we believe she is starting to go into the more advanced stages of her alzheimers. Thankfully my aunt from Mexico is visiting and helping us with taking care of her.

Art wise, I considered quitting for a long time! for a month! but now I'm back to art, here's some drawings I've done!
first two are drawings I did for my friend xXH0n3yW0lfXx on Newgrounds (and bluesky). First is their OC watermelon and second is their OC Toby!! third is a drawing of my OC gummi who is a very old OC that I had completely abandoned.

I'm gonna have to get used to having less time to draw now that I have classes, I really want to do well so I'll study a lot and draw less... but I still love art even though sometimes I really do hate it LOL!!

Dog update, the new dog has grown up A LOT!! but she has also calmed down a lot! so it's not nearly as stressful anymore :]
Life has been so quiet for me lately, it's enjoyable but also a little worrying. I can't help but think it's the calm before the storm! I hope things turn out alright.
I've been working on my relationship to God lately, I'm not the best christian out there mostly because I'm super progressive politically and a lot of christians don't like that, but my connection to God has really helped with my mental health and I love Him.

Lately I really want a boyfriend, everyone around me is dating but I've never had a boyfriend. It must feel so good to be someone's favorite person, to be loved so much, for someone to want to be near you... I've always longed to be accepted, to be wanted. I think if I were to fall in love it'd be addictive for me, I just want to be loved and I want to be insanely in love with someone! I want to hug and hold him, I want to tell him I love him and that I'll take care of him always. I want us to make mistakes together and make permanent changes to our lives, I want to forever become part of someone's story in a personal level. I'm so lonely, there'll never be a man who could love me. I'm the ultimate failure...
I was never interested in dating before, but lately I feel so behind everyone... I want to be a proper grown up.

Lately I've also been realizing I'm more autistic than I thought and it has made me more anxious about the way people perceive me, it's scary. Does anyone know how to mask better? I'm one of those people that can't mask at all...

I've been getting into emo and scene music way more deeply lately! I've always listened to more 'poser' music, so I've started doing more research about real emo and scene music and I love it! I still listen to alt rock though... Jeff buckley, radiohead and the strokes continue to dominate my most listened list.

Also I just wanna say, I REALLY LOVE MY PLUSHIES!! The weather is getting colder, the days are getting lonelier but when I get home I can just cuddle my plushies and I feel warm and loved again. Life is good, I can't complain. Thank you God.

Bunny divider by kodaswrld in tumblr

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ʚ♡ɞ Blog 2, Newgrounds art and hospital ʚ♡ɞ

Wed, 08 Jan 2025 19:34:45 GMT

Hello, it's been a bit since we last talked. If you're seeing this as my second blog in spacehey and you haven't seen the first one that's because I posted that one in another account, but came back to my old account because I liked how this profile looked more.

I've been pretty busy drawing, I got sick and stayed in bed for a few days, around 5 and since I opened art trades I did a whole lot of drawing! It was fun and my alien collab got frontpaged in newgrounds, you can see it here but I'll show you the picture anyways. The left alien is made by a nice fellow known as Yaisobog ! He is very talented so please check out his stuff.

I also finished my first art trade of the year with the user BallsyMerc who this OC belongs to. Had a lot of fun drawing this but I wish I would've drawn it in my other art style instead of my simple flash cs6 art style. You'll get to see which art style I mean once I finish the other art trade I'm workin' on! for now, I drew Izabi, you can see her reference sheet here. she is super cute! and the link for this illustration is in here! I appreciate any support in my newgrounds!

so when it comes to life, how have I been doing? I've actually been feeling depressed and sick but thankfully I've had too many distractions to wallow in my misery, instead, I have been hanging out with friends and going to the hospital.

I hanged out with my friends yesterday, we finally finished dungeon meshi and the ending was nos satisfying at all... I'm gonna wait 'til the next season and I'm not gonna spoil myself with the manga, but I thought it was a really good anime! It's been years since I've enjoyed an anime this much, I feel like it was made for me!!! and I'm so in love with laios AAAAA!!!! I love him.
After dungeon meshi, we watched RWBY, it was good! we're like in the first 5 episodes I think and even though they're pretty short I'm enjoying it, it feels dumb with how many clichés are in everything but I'm eating it up! I like the design of ruby too, she seems like the manic pixie girl of your dreams, the silly scene girl, THE girl. I like her though!.

Today I had to go and continue my adventures in the hospital, today was the day I had to get SO MUCH BLOOD DRAWN!! I get tests very often because of my medication but this time the nurse literally had to change from the tiny syringe to a HUGE ONE! it took a rly long time to find a vein and the nurse gave me a little motivational talk when he saw my scars which I appreciate, he was very sweet. oh and I also had to pee in a cup.

After that I took a fat ass nap and now that I've woken up, I'm writing this as I keep watching videos about the early internet and emo culture. Right now I'm watchis this video about the 2000s attitude! very interesting but I'll have to rewatch because it's hard to type and put attention XD. oh yeah, and also when I got home I realized I'm still sick, I never ever get sick so this has me confused!

update on the new puppy: she won't stop biting everything and pissing inside, she also has learned to play with my dog so now they play ALL DAY LONG. they run everywhere and scare the cats, I don't know how they have the energy when it's so hot in here!!
oh and I might put my cat on a diet, she has stopped moving around since the new dog arrived and she has been gaining weight really fast... I'm starting to get worried about her health.

now I gotta get back to drawing, but I feel really weak for some reason so I might just chill for a bit.
thank you for reading, I didn't have much to share today but I still like keeping track of my days.

Bunny divider by kodaswrld in tumblr

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New years and first entry ʚ♡ɞ

Thu, 02 Jan 2025 02:01:55 GMT

Hello, for new years I've decided to start blogging. I don't know how active this site is, but I've always loved blogging and reading blogs. I'm mostly inspired by old live journal entries, the reason I started this one is because I saw that the eddsworld live journal was recovered and thought, "oh that looks like so much fun!" so here I am trying it. I hope someone reads this out there, I really need friends. let's support each others blogs!.

For this new years I had a lot of fun, I spent it with my mom, her boyfriend and my sister. I drank a lot of cola de mono which is a local drink made of milk, cinnamon, other spices, whisky and moonshine, I only got a little tipsy and didn't get a hangover the next day. We ate ceviche, a peruvian dish and listened to loud music. For the countdown we had a bunch of traditions ready, we did a money bowl, we lit 5 candles of different colors, we burn palo santo, lavender and dried orange, we ate 12 grapes and we threw lentils so we could have a good year. after, we danced for a while.

I was really happy that my best friend had a message ready for me wishing me a happy new year ready for as soon as the clock hit 12, it warmed my heart and I'm so happy to have him. He is one of my only friends and he means the world to me, sometimes I wish I had the words to explain how much I adore his existence, he makes me look forward to another day in hopes he'll send me a message or we'll get to hang out. Recently, since I struggle so much with communicating with words out loud, I started writing him letters. My handwriting sucks and so does my grammar, but I put so much love into those letters I hope he can look past that, I want him to know how grateful I am for his friendship, I still can't believe someone like him is friends with such a stupid loser like me.

I got some goals for this upcoming year, they're small and easy to achieve for most but I struggle with this:

Make at least 1 new friends, hopefully get a friend group
Start working out or lose weight (hopefully reach 50kg)
finish school with good grades
find a way to make money

The day after new years was really calm, I couldn't sleep so I stayed up all night calling with my Canadian friend and then drew for a while, below is a wip of what I'm working on:

(check my newgrounds for more art!)
Later, I was able to get 2 hours of sleep. I was extremely anxious all day today for some reason so I couldn't stay quiet so I took a shower really early, brushed my teeth and went back to drawing. I made a lot of progress in the drawing I just showed, that's an old screenshot. I didn't have appetite all day today so I skipped breakfast and ate a small lunch and dinner. My cat has been nervous since we got a new dog for christmas so I got her catnip and she loved it, she was so cute!

I got a lot of plans for 2025, I just can't tell you about them yet! but look forward to them, arighty?
thank you for reading my first entry, I hope you have a lovely year.
(dividers by nicodefresas on tumblr)

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